


Wingless

by awdirectioners



Category: One Direction, zayn malik - Fandom
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Death, Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Existential Crisis, F/M, Physical Abuse, Rape, Razors, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-22
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-01-20 09:32:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1505474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awdirectioners/pseuds/awdirectioners
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elle wanted to die. Zayn thought he could save her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you start reading chapter one, I have to warn you that this fan-fiction contains lots of detailed self-harm and sex descriptions as well as suicidal thoughts by the main characters.
> 
> If you consider any of these too triggering I do not recommend on continuing. Also, I am not -in any way- trying to glamourize mental illnesses or self-harm.
> 
> By the way this is an AU fan-fiction so Zayn is not in One Direction or famous.

Elle Davis was tired. She was tired of everything. Tired of constantly letting down and hurting everyone she cared about. She knew she had had enough this time, she knew she couldn't handle any more of this and even though, nothing  _that_  bad had happened to her that week, all the little awful things of the past few days added up, made her feel worthless.

Leaning against the locked bathroom door, she slowly removed her clothes and sank to her knees; sitting on the floor in just her underwear. The only sound, the songs playing from her phone. She always brought her phone to the bathroom with her, in an attempt to cover the sounds of her crying and sobs.

It was cold and she was shivering but that was the last thing she cared about. Elle took from her jeans' pocket, which were lying on the floor, the small razor she carried with her. Her moves were slow as she was being careful not to cut her fingers with the sharp object. She laughed at the irony of being careful now when she was planning on cutting her wrists in just a matter of seconds. She took a deep breath before connecting the razor with her skin, just a little below her wrist.

She had already countless scars and cuts, from previous times she had done the same, which were going up to the inside of her elbow.

The razor was cold but she didn't feel anything other than relaxed and calm when she finally saw the blood dripping down her hand. She cut one more time and then again, and  _again_  and  _again_... until her left wrist and forearm were covered in blood. She didn't feel any better than before though.

“Maybe I haven't cut enough times.” She thought and then held the razor just a little above her left thigh.

•

After half an hour, she got up, holding onto the sink for help; her whole body feeling weak. She could feel the burning pain now on her hand and leg, but that was the point and she  _loved_  it. She smiled, thinking that she finally felt the pain she deserved.

Looking at the mirror, she barely recognized the girl she was seeing. Her long blonde hair was falling messily on her shoulders and her now long bangs were getting in her eyes, blocking her vision. She pushed it away with her hand and let out a yelp due to the sudden pain she felt from moving her hurt hand. Her eyes were red and puffy but the bright green color was still the feature on her face that drew all the attention, as well as her long lashes that all of her friends were jealous of.

She had got all those features from her mother and only her lips from her father. Everyone always told her that she looked exactly the way her mother did when she was her age. That though, was only on the outside because when it came to their personalities, they were the exact opposites.

Her mother, Miranda Brown, was strict. The fact that she was also a very successful business woman not helping at all her situation when it came to following a certain program and doing everything perfectly. She never laughed and never praised neither Elle nor her older brother –by only one year- Joseph.

On the other hand, her father, Will Davis was always smiling, making jokes and generally being a cheerful person. That though, only when it came to Elle, because her father was nothing but mean and cold –sometimes even abusive- towards Joseph. Elle didn’t know how to explain her father’s strange behavior. The thought that maybe Joseph wasn’t his child but someone else’s had crossed her mind many times but she knew this wasn’t the case. Just like Elle and her mother, Joseph and her father, were like two drops of water.

“Will you ever come out of the fucking bathroom?” Joseph shouted angrily and knocked with force on the locked door, causing Elle to jump.

“Give me a minute.” She mumbled, while washing the blood off her hands. Putting back on her jeans, she finally opened the door.

“Are you done?” He asked, a smirk on his face.

“Fuck off.” Elle replied, rolling her eyes and pushing him out of her way.

Joseph grabbed her by the wrist, turning her around, his other hand immediately going to her neck and shoving her angrily against the wall.

“Don’t talk to me like  _that_.” He hissed through clenched teeth and Elle wondered how his blue eyes could hide so much hate.

“You’re not going to hit me.” She spoke matter-of-factly. He knew that if he did hit her then he would get in so much trouble with their father.

Joseph was really tall and strong, the hours that he had been spending at the gym the last few months, really paying off. She knew if they were to fight again, she wouldn’t be walking away with a bruised lip or broken nose this time.

Joseph bit the inside of his cheek before releasing Elle from his tight grip. He didn’t say a word before locking himself in the bathroom, exactly like she had an hour ago.

Elle let out a breath before heading to her room. She was tired of going through this over and over again every single day.

She was tired of  _everything_.

• • •

Zayn took a deep breath and pressed the “Play” button on his phone. The music instantly filled the room, the fact that there wasn't any furniture in it, creating an echo.

He shook well the spray bottle he was holding in his right hand and with the other, he pulled the plastic mask that he was wearing over his head, down his nose and mouth in order to protect himself from the chemicals. In an attempt to fix his now messy dark hair, he ran his fingers through it, the plastic gloves he was wearing, messing it even more.

Zayn let out a sigh and tried to focus back on the empty dark blue walls around him.

He had always loved drawing and painting –he would like to think he’s very good at it- and had always wanted to draw graffiti on his room’s walls. Sadly though, his mother, Trisha, never let him so now that he was finally twenty years-old and had his very own house, instead of making the spare room he had, a guest room or game room –just like every other person would have- he made it his graffiti room.

He thought that it would be a good idea to come in here and draw every time he was angry or sad in order to get his mind off of things.

Right now, he was sad so here he was, wearing sweatpants, a few spray bottles on the floor and one in his hand, as well as Chris Brown playing on the background.

He knew what he wanted to draw. He wanted to draw his sister, Victoria, with white wings coming from her back. He was scared though, scared that he would regret this.

Although, he didn’t want to forget about her, –her smile, her voice, the little things she did and her cute, weird habits- at the same time, he wanted to forget all about her. Maybe then, he wouldn’t miss her so damn much and this horrible pain in his chest would finally go away.

He still hadn’t accepted the fact that his little sister had the courage to do something like committing suicide and at such a young age. Victoria was only fifteen years-old when she convinced herself that the world was better off without her, just eight months ago.

Zayn was still mad at himself for not being able to help her, for not having the relationship that he thought he had with his sister. He believed that they had been close, he was under the impression they could trust each other. It seemed otherwise though, since one morning he woke up to find Victoria lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Victoria had cut her wrists and died from blood loss on November, 3rd.

Zayn took another deep breath before spraying for the first time on the wall.

 Right now, he decided that he wanted to remember.

•

He took the brown spray bottle and the yellow one in his hands, looking thoughtfully on the almost finished graffiti in front of him. He had drew his sister his her eyes closed but he wasn’t so sure if he should draw her with her eyes open. Their honey-colored, with bits of green and brown eyes were one of the very few characteristics they shared.

The music suddenly stopped, interrupting his thoughts and he knew that his phone was about to start ringing. It was a few minutes after midnight so he was sure it was only his mother checking on him for the third time that day.

After what happened to his sister, both her and his father got a little more protective over him.

Leaving the bottles and throwing his mask on the floor, he walked and took his phone in his hands. To his surprise, it was a text from an unknown number that he didn’t know.

He opened it and read:

**Saturday 21, June (12:18am)**

I’m sorry, I can’t take it anymore. I give up. I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much. Thanks for coming into my life, thanks for being there for me. Goodbye.

It didn’t take long for Zayn to realize this text wasn’t meant for him and that this person was about to attempt suicide.

 Images of his sister flashed through his mind and he didn’t hesitate before opening a new text and sending it to that number.


	2. two

**Saturday 21, June (12:18am)**

I’m sorry, I can’t take it anymore. I give up. I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much. Thanks for coming into my life, thanks for being there for me. Goodbye.

**(12:19am)**

_Wait!_

**(12:20am)**

_Wait! Don’t do anything stupid._

**(12:22am)**

But I can’t take this pain anymore. It’s driving me crazy, Dani. You don’t understand.

**(12:23am)**

_You’re right, I don’t but I’m sure that whatever you’re struggling with now, will probably not even matter in a few years. Things always get better._

**(12:27am)**

You said that the last time as well but it didn’t get any better.

**(12:29am)**

_Are you sure about that? Are you sure that you never felt happy? Even for a few seconds since the last time?_

**(12:35am)**

…I did. But it was only for a few seconds. It was when we had that water fight in your backyard. Remember, Dani?

**(12:35am)**

_Yes I remember :) You see? Plus, didn’t you know that happiness only last for a few seconds? Happiness is just moments._

**(12:36am)**

No. Still… I let everyone down. I’m useless.

**(12:39am)**

_You didn’t let anyone down. People, especially parents, tend to expect more than we can give. And you’re not useless._

**(12:40am)**

Yes, I am. Please stop texting me. I HAVE to do this this time.

**(12:41am)**

_Well… who said you need to be useful anyway? Just be yourself, that’s more than enough._

**(12:42am)**

_And no…I am not letting you._

**(12:48am)**

But I’ve been trying so hard to get better and I always mess everything up.

**(12:51am)**

_That’s alright. It’s okay, everyone has the right to break down sometimes. It’s always very hard to pick up the pieces and put them together again. But it’s not impossible. Don’t give up, please._

**(12:55am)**

But I feel worthless. I’m not pretty or talented. I can’t seem to do anything right, no matter how hard I try.

**(1:03am)**

_You’re not worthless. First of all,_ _who is considered beautiful can be different or vary from person to person._ _I’m sure that are thousands of people who would do anything to look just like you. And think about it… Do you like all 7 billion people on Earth? Same goes to you. I’m also sure as hell that you can do something so well, no-one else on Earth can._

**(1:06am)**

You’re lying. I suck at everything. I don’t get good grades, or sing, or dance or play any sports.

**(1:09am)**

_All those things take practice and time. I’m sure that if you practice enough you’ll be very good. You need to realize that the way you’re feeling now isn’t permanent._

**(1:15am)**

But nothing feels like it’s going to change in the future.

**(1:17am)**

_Your future depends on you. You can burn the past and light your way or not do anything about it._

**(1:18am)**

There’s nothing I’m looking forward to, though.

**(1:19am)**

_You don’t have any dreams?_

**(1:19am)**

No.

**(1:20am)**

_I don’t believe it._

**(1:22am)**

I do but there are not coming true.

**(1:25am)**

_Why not? You have to keep trying._

**(1:26am)**

It hurts.

**(1:28am)**

_It will get better, I promise you and I keep my promises._

**(2:02am)**

_Are you still there?_

**(2:05am)**

Yes.

**(2:06am)**

_Are you feeling any better?_

**(2:07am)**

I think I am. Thank you.

**(2:08am)**

I’m walking around the neighborhood right now, actually. I’m not going to do anything I cannot fix later.

**(2:10am)**

_I’m happy to hear this and you’re welcome :)_

**(2:11am)**

Who are you by the way? You’re not Dani, that’s for sure.

**(2:15am)**

_My name is Zayn. I guess you accidentally texted me instead of Dani. I couldn’t help but reply. I wouldn’t be able to go on with my life if I knew that something bad happened to you and I didn’t help even though I could._

**(2:16am)**

Why do you want to help me? You don’t even know my name.

**(2:17am)**

_Names are overrated._

**(2:18am)**

Uh-huh. It’s Elle by the way.

**(2:19am)**

That’s nice of you.

**(2:21am)**

_Well… Thank you Elle :)_

**(2:25am)**

I was going to do it, you know? Shallow as many pills as I could and then go to sleep, hoping I wouldn’t wake up.

**(2:30am)**

_I’m happy I texted you then._

**(2:33am)**

I think I’m happy too.

**(2:34am)**

_:)_

**• • •**

**(4:03am)**

Zayn? Are you sleeping?

**(4:07am)**

_No, I’m wide awake. I’m painting my room actually, aha._

**(4:08am)**

At 4 in the morning? :P

**(4:09am)**

_Yeah, I couldn’t sleep._

**(4:11am)**

Oh, alright. I wanted to ask you something. Can I?

**(4:12am)**

_Go on._

**(4:13am)**

After tonight, will you text me again?

**(4:16am)**

_If you want me to, yes. Do you?_

**(4:17am)**

Of course. If it’s not trouble :)

**(4:18am)**

_It’s not, Elle :)_

**(4:20am)**

Okay. Thank you so much. For everything.

**(4:22am)**

_Goodnight, Elle. You should get some rest now. I’ll text you tomorrow, alright?_

**(4:23am)**

 Goodnight, Zayn :)

 

**•**

**(11:10am)**

_Good morning Elle. I hope you have a nice day today!_

**(11:25am)**

Good morning! Thank you again, Zayn. For everything.

**(11:27am)**

_Are you feeling any better?_

**(11:31am)**

Yes. Well, I thought a lot about my life last night and I want to make a change, you know? Finally live and let go of everything that’s holding me back.

**(11:32am)**

_So you’re making a new start?_

**(11:33am)**

I’d like to think so, yeah :)

**(11:35am)**

_I’m glad. Uhm, I searched a few things last night on the Internet and I found a few people you can talk to._

**(11:36am)**

_I mean professionals. If you want to, of course._

**(11:37am)**

I don’t want you to save me.

**(11:38am)**

_I’m not trying to do that._

**(11:40am)**

Just because I accidentally texted you and somehow you managed to convince me not to kill myself yesterday, it doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for me. I am responsible for myself. I can save myself.

**(1:45am)**

_I know, Elle. I didn’t say I wanted to save you. I can’t do that anyway. You’re right; you can save yourself and you’re the only one who can do it._

**(1:47am)**

I don’t need your therapists. You don’t know anything about me.

**(1:48am)**

_Promise me that you’ll at least consider it._

**• • •**

**Sunday 22, June (1:23am)**

_I want to though._

**(1:24am)**

_Get to know about you I mean._

**• • •**

**Saturday 28, June (1:23pm)**

Are you mad at me?

**(1:24pm)**

_No! Of course not! Why would you think that?_

**(1:25pm)**

You haven’t texted me in a week.

**(1:27pm)**

_I didn’t text you because I didn’t want to push you._

**(1:27pm)**

_I was just giving you space._

**(1:29pm)**

Oh, alright. Thank you.

**(1:34pm)**

_You’re welcome… So, how have you been?_

**(1:35pm)**

Fine, thanks. I’m still here so I guess that means something, right? What about you?

**(1:37pm)**

_Not that well. I had to work extra hours this week and I’m exhausted. Luckily, I’m done now._

**(1:38pm)**

You’re working?

**(1:39pm)**

_Yes, it that weird?_

**(1:41pm)**

No, I just thought you’d be younger… Maybe?

**(1:41pm)**

_How old do you think I am?_

**(1:45pm)**

Right now, around 28. Before you mentioned working around 23-24 probably?

**(1:46pm)**

_I’m 20 actually. Do I come off so mature? :)_

**(1:48pm)**

Zayn.

**(1:49pm)**

_Haha! Sorry, I was just so proud._

**(1:53pm)**

Why do you work if you’re only 20? It’s summer, shouldn’t you be taking a break?

**(1:54pm)**

_I just didn’t want to sit around all summer so I got myself a job._

**(1:55pm)**

You just made me feel really bad.

**(1:56pm)**

_Shit! Sorry… How?_

**(1:58pm)**

Because *I* sit around all summer while waiting for college to start again.

**(2:01pm)**

_You’re in college too?_

**(2:02pm)**

Yeah, is that weird?

**(2:04pm)**

_I thought you’d be younger._

**(2:08pm)**

Déjà vu.

**(2:09pm)**

And you just called me immature.

**(2:11pm)**

_Why did you assume that?_

**(2:15pm)**

_Elle?_

**(2:18pm)**

_Seriously? You’re ignoring my texts again?_

**• • •**

**Tuesday 1, July (8:19pm)**

_I hope you’re alright x_

**• • •**

**Saturday 5, July (11:10am)**

I’m sorry about last Saturday. I was having an awful week and lashed out on you.

**(11:12am)**

_It’s alright, I get it :)_

**(11:14am)**

Thank you! You're always so understanding, I really appreciate it. 

**(11:16am)**

_You're welcome. You know, I was thinking about you all week. I got worried._

**(11:18am)**

That’s sweet of you but seriously you don’t have to worry about me.

**(11:19am)**

_Have you talked to anyone since that day?_

**(11:21am)**

No.

**(11:23am)**

_Have you thought about it?_

**(11:30am)**

Yeah but I’m scared they’ll think I’m crazy.

**(11:33am)**

_I don’t think so. A suicide attempt doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Maybe a little sad but not crazy._

**(11:34am)**

…

**(11:35am)**

_Elle?_

**(11:37am)**

Yeah?

**(11:40am)**

_You’re not hurting yourself, are you?_

**(11:40am)**

Sorry Zayn! I gotta go now. I’ll text you later x

**(11:41am)**

_Elle._

**(11:45am)**

_Elle! I know you’re ignoring me._

**(11:52am)**

_For fuck’s sake, you can’t runaway every time you can’t handle a situation._

**(1:23pm)**

_Or… maybe you can._

**Sunday 6, July (12:56am)**

Yes.

**(12:58am)**

_Yes?_

**(1:03am)**

Don’t make me say it.

**(1:04am)**

_Oh._

**(1:05am)**

_Oh, Elle…_

**(1:07am)**

I’m sorry.

**(1:08am)**

_Don’t be._

**(1:09am)**

_Do you do it often?_

**(1:12am)**

I don’t think you really want to know the answer.

**(1:16am)**

_I know what it is like to have all this pain bottled up inside. All these bad emotions… But you have to find another way to handle them… Not by hurting yourself._

**(1:21am)**

_You’re not ignoring me again, are you?_

**(1:22am)**

No, I was just thinking.

**(1:23am)**

You’re right, but I don’t know what to do.

**(1:26am)**

_You can: 1. Go for a walk. 2. Sing. 3. You can play the guitar/piano (anything really) 4. Eat 5. Watch TV series 6. Listen to music_

**(1:27am)**

_Do you want me to continue?_

**(1:29am)**

No, thanks! What do *you* do?

**(1:30am)**

_To forget about the bad things?_

**(1:30am)**

Yes.

**(1:31am)**

_I paint :)_

**(1:32am)**

Really? That's amazing :)

**(1:33am)**

_Mostly graffiti but yeah._

**(1:34am)**

Interesting! What do you usually draw?

**(1:37am)**

_Nothing specifically. I had once drew New York City._

**(1:38am)**

Wow! Oh, there’s an incredible NYC graffiti on a wall on my way from home to Hyde Park!

**(1:39am)**

_Oh my God._

**(1:40am)**

What?

**(1:42am)**

_I may have painted that one._

**(1:44am)**

Are you serious? We’re both from London?

**(1:46am)**

_I’m not from London. I just live there right now because of college._

**(1:47am)**

Still, we're both living in the same city! What are you studying anyway? You keep mentioning college but I've never asked you before.

**(1:49am)**

_History of Art. And don’t change the subject._

**(1:52am)**

I swear I didn’t do it on purpose.

**(1:53am)**

_Okay, I believe you._

**(1:54am)**

:)

**(1:55am)**

_So…_

**(1:56am)**

So?

**(1:57am)**

_How often?_

**(2:02am)**

Oh, uhm. It depends actually.

**(2:03am)**

_On?_

**(2:06am)**

My mood, what’s going on in my life, a lot of things. But… I haven’t done anything since that night we started texting.

**(2:07am)**

_This makes me so happy :)_ _I’m proud of you, Elle._

**(2:08am)**

Thank you. Isn't it weird though?

**(2:10am)**

_That it makes me happy?_

**(2:15am)**

I don’t mean *that*. I’m talking about the fact that I’ve never opened up to anyone before and yet, here I am now, texting a stranger about my self-harm routine.

**(2:16am)**

Goodnight, Zayn.

**(2:17am)**

_Well… Maybe that's a good thing._

**(2:18am)**

_Goodnight, Elle. Sweet dreams x_


	3. three

**Sunday 6, July (8:09pm)**

Guess where I am :)

**(8:11pm)**

_At a concert?_

**(8:12pm)**

What? No!

**(8:13pm)**

_A bar?_

**(8:13pm)**

Try again.

**(8:14pm)**

_The groceries store?_

**(8:15pm)**

You’re *really* bad at this.

**(8:16pm)**

_So?_

**(8:18pm)**

*Drum roll*

**(8:19pm)**

On my way to Hyde Park!

**(8:20pm)**

_And?_

**(8:22pm)**

I’m trying to find your NYC graffiti.

**(8:23pm)**

_You’re not serious._

**(8:23pm)**

I am.

**(8:24pm)**

_Suddenly, I feel very self-conscious._

**(8:31pm)**

Don’t.

 **(8:32pm)  
** I’ve found it and it’s incredible.

**(8:35pm)**

_You’re there?_

**(8:36pm)**

You’re not coming to find me, are you?

**(8:37pm)**

_Do you want me to?_

**(8:38pm)**

I don’t know.

**(8:39pm)**

_Is this a yes or a no?_

**(8:41pm)  
** I don’t know. Do *you* want to meet me though? Aren’t I bothering you enough with my texts?

**(8:43pm)**

_Don’t say that, please. I love talking to you :)_

**(8:45pm)**

You love talking to a suicidal girl who self-harms?

**(8:45pm)**

_I don’t see it that way._

 

**(8:47pm)**

Hm…

 

**• • •**

 

**(8:54pm)**

_Where are you?_

**(8:56pm)**

I’m at the park now.

**(8:57pm)**

You came, didn’t you?

**(8:58pm)**

_Maybe…_

**(9:00pm)**

I would leave but there are many people here; you won’t find me.

**(9:01pm)**

_Are you sure?_

**(9:02pm)**

Absolutely :)

**(9:03pm)**

  _We’ll see about that, Elle x_

 

Elle put her phone in her pocket and tried to think of something to do so Zayn wouldn’t realize she was the girl he had been talking to, for a few weeks now.

She obviously wasn’t planning on continuing to sit on this bench all alone while listening to music, he would spot her in a matter of seconds.

Even though she wanted to meet him, she didn’t feel ready just yet to come face to face with the boy that saved her life, she needed some more time.

Getting up, she thanked God she had decided to put on sweatpants. She decided that she was going to pretend she was jogging. A few people were already running around the park, since the medium temperature was making it perfect for this time in the afternoon.

She started running as well as looking around for Zayn. She had no idea what he looked like; only that he was twenty-one years old… and probably alone, and probably with a phone in his hands.

A small group of young boys were lying on the grass on the other side of the park, smoking. They looked all very relaxed, like they had been here for a while so Elle guessed he wasn’t one of them.

A tall, thin boy, with blonde hair and ocean blue eyes –around his twenties- was walking his dog, while another one with beautiful hazel eyes and dark curly hair was almost running, probably too eager to get somewhere. Elle knew that Zayn wasn’t neither of them. She had slowed down the pace a little bit right now but she was still walking fast all around the park, going in circles.

Another guy passed by her; he was short, his hair reaching his shoulders and his eyes a shade of brown. He was on the phone, probably arguing with someone since he kept rolling his eyes and biting angrily on his bottom lip. He couldn't be Zayn either.

Elle felt her phone in her pocket vibrating but instead of checking it, she looked around, searching for Zayn, since he was probably using his phone at this exact moment.

There was this young tall boy, who had dirty blonde tousled hair and was wearing glasses and a beanie. He started looking around as soon as he put his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. Elle couldn’t deny that he was quite attractive.

And also, kind of far from her, was another young male who was the exact opposite of the previous. He had dark hair and was wearing a t-shirt that had Batman’s logo on it as well as a pair of black tight jeans. Elle tried to see what color were his eyes but he wasn’t that close to her. She could still see though that his arms were covered in tattoos.

There weren’t any other boys in their early twenties at the park so Elle decided to leave before checking Zayn’s message. She didn’t want to even risk being found.

A few meters away from the park, and when she was sure it was safe, she decided to finally reply to his text.

 

**(9:24pm)**

_Give me a hint?_

 

**(9:30pm)**

I’m on my way home now but I found you x

 

She typed back and entered a small shop at the end of the road to buy herself a bottle of water since the sudden work-out had made her thirsty and tired.

 

**(9:32pm)**

_You did? I underestimated you :P_

**(9:35pm)**

I’m between two people actually... Are you blonde? :P

 

**(9:36pm)**

_I’m not sure if I should answer that._

 

**(9:37pm)**

Come on! *puppy eyes*

 

**(9:37pm)**

_Okay, okay! No, I’m not blonde x_

 

**(9:38pm)**

Do you have tattoos?

 

**(9:39pm)**

_Yeah._

 

**(9:41pm)**

Ha! You were wearing a Batman t-shirt, weren’t you?

 

**(9:42pm)**

_Wow, you really did find me._

 

**(9:45pm)**

Told you :)

 

**(9:49pm)**

_I’m between three myself. Can I ask questions as well?_

 

**(9:50pm)**

Go on x

**(9:52pm)**

_Do you have curly hair?_

 

**(9:52ppm)**

Nope.

 

**(9:53pm)**

_Do you own a dog?_

 

**(9:54pm)**

The answer is no, again.

 

**(9:54pm)**

_Oh! I see what you did there!_

 

**(9:55pm)**

Huh?

 

**(9:56pm)**

_You were the girl jogging, right?_

 

**(9:56pm)**

Maybe ;)

 

**(9:57pm)**

_Clever, I must admit._

 

Elle laughed and put her phone back in her pocket. She paid for the water bottle and headed out of the small shop.

Her phone started vibrating again and in an attempt to read the message –and walk at the same time- she bumped into someone.

“Sorry!” She quickly apologized, looking up. It was a blonde woman who just sighed and rolled her eyes at response.

“Rude,” She thought to herself and focused back on the screen.

 

**(10:02pm)**

  _Turn around x_

 

Elle stood frozen in her position, unable to move; she was too scared to turn around. She could feel his presence though, she could sense him watching her.

He started moving towards her, his footsteps and her heavy breathing the only sounds in this small, quiet alley.

"Turn around, Elle." She heard a masculine voice. She had never heard him talk before, since they had only been chatting via text messages, and she couldn't deny now that his deep, husky voice was attractive.

Elle let out a long breath and turned around to face him. He was tall but not that much taller than her and was looking down at her with a shy smile on his face.

She could finally see now that his eyes were light brown, a color that reminded her of honey.

"Hi," She greeted him awkwardly and Zayn laughed at her reaction, slightly shaking his head.

"Come here," He mumbled and opened his arms instead, waiting for Elle to hug him. She didn't hesitate even for a second before closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around his waist.

A few tears fell from her eyes and she quickly whipped them with the back of her hand. Right now, she didn't care that she barely knew the guy, who was standing in front of her, he had saved her life.

"I told you I would find you." He spoke and Elle inhaled deeply, a mixture of his cologne, aftershave and cigarettes filling her nostrils.

"Thank you," She finally managed to say. "For everything."

"You're welcome." He replied, smiling, letting go of her.

"Did you follow me here?" Elle asked, raising her eyebrow after a few minutes of silence.

"I figured it was you." Zayn admitted, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"So you followed me."

"Yeah," He bit his lip. "But in a non-creepy kind of way."

"Alright," Elle laughed and before any of them could speak again, her phone started ringing.

She hold up a finger as if she was telling him, she would only need one minute and walked a few feet away from him.

"Elle-Grace,  _where are you_?" Her mum questioned, angrily.

"I was at the park, I'm on my way home now." She explained, hoping that her mother would not start shouting at her over the phone.

"Well, it's late. You should hurry up." She muttered and Elle said a couple of 'Okays' before hanging up.

"Sorry about that," Elle turned back to Zayn and apologized. "It was my mum."

"You have to go home?" Zayn's smile disappeared.

"Yeah," She bit her lip, she didn't want to say goodbye to him just yet.

"I was hoping we could do something," He admitted, scratching the back of his neck.

"Like?"

"I don't know, whatever. Just sit at the park and talk." He shrugged and Elle considered his offer. She didn't want to go back home just yet, her parents would be arguing anyway; and Zayn, the boy that had saved her, was finally  _here_.

"Alright," She gave in, biting nervously her nails. "Just let me send a quick text."

•

After she had messaged her mother that she would be late, they both made their way to the park, side by side.

"Are you hungry?" Zayn asked when they passed by a small groceries store. "We could get something to eat, if you want."

"No, I'm alright." Elle said, letting down her hair and grabbing it in a tighter ponytail.

After a few minutes of walking, they were back at the park, the place where they had first seen each other. They decided to sit down on the grass instead of a bench.

"So, what's your story?" He wondered, leaning against the bole of a big tree.

"What do you mean?" She asked, confused.

"The reason, behind what you wanted to do, a few weeks ago." He explained and Elle's mouth formed an 'o' shape.

"Well," She trailed off, tugging at the sleeves of her jacket. "I just couldn't find a reason why shouldn't I." 

Zayn didn't speak, he just waited for the beautiful girl in front of him to add more but when she didn't, he simply nodded.

"Have you found one since that night?" He looked at her and Elle thought about it for a few seconds. Had she? Telling him that he was the only one who had ever seemed to care about her in her whole life and who was willing to put up with her fucking up all the time was probably a bad idea.

"Why do you care so much?" She mumbled, instead.

Zayn seemed taken aback by her sudden question. The truth was that at first he was doing it just for his sister. He felt that if he could save that girl, maybe  _then_  he could fill that empty space in his chest... but as time passed by, he had really started caring about Elle.

"It just feels right, you know?" He shrugged and then looked up at the night sky.

"I guess," She trailed off and looked at him, paying attention to every little detail of his face, while he was looking at the stars.

He was beautiful.

 _"It could be him,"_  She thought.

 He could be the one who finally saved her...  _from herself._

_**•** **•** **•** _

Elle and Zayn stayed at the park for over two hours, talking about everything and nothing at the same time.

Zayn managed to make Elle comfortable enough to open up to him, just a little bit, getting her to admit that her life-dream was to become a dancer. She still though hadn’t said anything about her family or what made her want to kill herself a few weeks ago. Every time he tried to get something out of her, she skillfully changed the subject. He decided to drop it –for the moment- after a few attempts, realizing that she probably wasn’t ready yet.

He talked about himself as well, answering all of Elle’s questions.

“So where do you work?” She asked, glancing up at the stars. They were both lying on their backs on the ground now, next to each other, facing the dark sky. 

There weren't anyone else at the park at this late. The only people Elle and Zayn saw, some random teenagers crossing the park so they could return home or a family doing just the same, every now and then.

“At a tattoo shop.” He simply said like it was no big deal.

“Why am I not surprised?” She laughed and turned on her side to face him as well as take a better look on his right arm that was covered in countless tattoos.

“Do you have any?” He questioned, turning his head.

“No, but I want to get one.” She admitted, biting her lip.

“Do you know what you want to get?”

Elle nodded, before adding more. “I want to get  _Don’t Look Back_  on the back of my neck.” She sat up and moved her ponytail to the side, then she touched with her fingers the area she wanted to get the tattoo. “Here,” She pointed.

“Does it have a meaning?” Zayn sat up as well, supporting his weight with his elbows.

“Yeah,” Elle took a deep breath. “It’s a reminder that what’s past is past and that I should never look back since I can’t change anything anyway. A  _reminder_  that I should focus on the future.” She shrugged, lying down on the grass again.

“I like it,” Zayn seemed thoughtful and Elle smiled, mumbling a quick “thank you”.

“What about your tattoos?” She broke the silence after a few seconds.

“No all of them have a meaning,” He admitted. “Some do, some don’t.” Zayn rolled up his t-shirt’s sleeve, showing Elle a lightning-bolt tattoo. “This one, is based on a quote a saw on a website.” He said and Elle raised her eyebrow at him.

“I can’t remember it exactly, it was something like ‘ _Life comes at you fast. It runs through your body and tries to be expressed in any way possible. It's a lot like lightning’._ ” He pulled down the sleeve, looking at Elle and waiting for her reaction.

“Inspiring,” She finally responded. “What about this one?” Elle pointed to the word “ZAP” that was tattooed on Zayn in big letters.

“Oh, it’s kind of a long story,” Zayn laughed. “You know that I love painting right?” He started and Elle nodded.

“I was reading a lot of comic books when I was younger and always tried to draw the things that I was seeing in those, since I’ve loved drawing for ages.  _ZAP_  was one of the first things that I had drew –as well as a car crash in the background- that made me receive a lot of great compliments on my work. It made me believe in myself in a way, so I got it tattooed.” Zayn looked down, probably embarrassed of his story. “It’s kind of stupid-”

“No, it’s amazing.” Elle interrupted him, smiling and he did the same.

Her phone started ringing before she could add more, letting her know that she had a text from her mother. “This can’t be good.” She thought to herself, before opening the message.

**(12:10am)**

Don’t bother coming home, you’ll find the door locked.

 

She sighed and tried to hold back the tears that were about to start falling from her eyes.

“Are you alright?” Zayn asked, clearly worried.

“Yes, it’s just – never mind.” She trailed off, whipping her eyes and putting her phone back in her pocket.

“Really? You seem pretty upset.” He pointed out, frowning.

“I’m alright.” She faked a smile. Zayn just nodded, not buying it but deciding to drop it anyway since he didn’t want to push her or upset her even more.

An old couple made their way through the park and stopped when they saw Elle and Zayn. “You shouldn’t be here all alone.” The woman said to them, while looking at Elle, concerned.

“It’s alright, she’s with me,” Zayn informed the old lady, politely. It was none of their business, really.

The woman didn’t move though, just kept looking at Elle, waiting for her to reply.

“We’re fine,” Elle finally spoke and she nodded, walking away from the two teenagers, and returning back to her conversation with her husband.

“We should go.” Elle suggested after a few seconds while getting back on her feet and shaking off the grass and dirt from her sweatpants and t-shirt.

“Okay,” Zayn agreed and did the same.

• • •

Zayn insisted on taking Elle home since “ _you never know what kind of psychopaths could be on the streets at this late”._

 “I thought you’d be different.” Elle blurted out on their way to her house, breaking the silence.

“What do you mean different?” Zayn replied, running his hand through his hair in an attempt to fix it.

“You seemed so mature and kind through texts.” Elle teased.

“I am!” He protested and then faked a pout, making Elle giggle.

“I didn’t say you weren’t. It’s just- with all these tattoos, you pull off this whole bad-boy image.” She gestured to his arms.

“Everyone tells me that,” Zayn sighed. “But how bad can I really be? I mean- I’m wearing a Batman t-shirt!” He noted and they both started laughing.

Elle stopped walking and looked up, at the beautiful boy in front of her. “We’re here.” She told Zayn, while turning to look at her house that still had lights on.

“It was nice meeting you today.” He bit his lip.

“Yes, thank you again, Zayn.”

“You’re welcome. Goodnight, Elle.” He smiled.

Elle moved towards him and stood on her tip-toes so she could give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Goodnight,” She pulled away, already taking steps backwards to the direction of her house.

“Elle!” Zayn called her name when she reached the door.

“Yeah?”

“When I will see you again?” He asked, looking in her eyes. Elle blinked a few times, trying to take into consideration what he had just said. “I want to see you again.” He spoke one more time, looking at the ground.

“Okay,” Elle agreed, nervous.

“Okay?” A small smile crept on his face. She nodded, not hiding back hers now.

“I’ll text you.” He informed her and started walking away. “Goodnight,”

“Goodnight, Zayn.”

•

Elle waited until Zayn was nowhere to be seen before taking a deep breath and knocking slightly on the front door.

She was expecting the worse.


	4. four

"Hello?" She heard her mother's voice coming through the door-phone. She didn't sound angry, although her tone was serious.

"It's me." Elle simply said, waiting patiently to hear the usual beeping noise that would allow her to open the front door.

"I told you not to come." She reminded her and Elle rolled her eyes. She knew that her mother wasn't going to leave her outside the house all night. A part of her though, was still whispering  _"You never know"_.

"Just let me in so we can talk about it." She begged, starting to get annoyed by her mother's immaturity.

She heard her mother sigh before hearing the loud noise from the door-phone that allowed her to get inside the house.

"Where have you been?" Her mother asked when she entered the living room. She was in her pajamas, sitting on the couch, a glass of red wine in her hands.

"I told you. I was at the park." She repeated and started unzipping her jacket but stopped as soon as she remembered that her arm was covered in scars.

"With who?" She demanded to know, placing slowly the glass of wine at the table and folding her arms over her chest.

"A friend of mine." Elle answered, not really lying.

"Dani?"

"No," Elle shook her head slightly. "Zayn. He's a guy I-" She paused trying to find the right words to say. "I met him a few weeks ago."

"Oh," Her lips formed a thin line. "So you run off with some random guy who you've only known for a week until  _midnight_?" She asked, her voice getting louder.

"It's not as bad as you make it sound." Elle bit her nails, nervously. Her day had been great so far but  _no_ , they  _had_  to ruin it.

"You completely ignored all of the things I've taught you all these years! Not staying out until late, not hanging around with random guys-" Her mother started complaining but she was soon interrupted by Elle's father, who entered the room.

"Just let her do whatever she wants, Miranda." He begged, trying to stop their little argument. "She is almost an adult now and it's summer; it's not like she has any other responsibilities anyway." He explained, making a valid point.

"Stay out of it, Will!" She shouted angrily at her husband. "You're the reason why she has turned into this spoiled child who is under the impression she can do whatever she wants!"

"Just shut up. Just because your day at work was bad, it doesn't mean you can come home and take out your anger on us!" He started shouting as well and Elle just stood there, watching them fight like kids.

"You do exactly the same with Joseph!" She accused him and he just rolled his eyes.

They didn't pay any attention to their daughter now, who found the perfect chance to go to her room and lock herself up. The light in her brother's room though stopped her and she headed in his room instead.

"Hey," She greeted him. Joseph was sitting on the edge of his bed, tears falling from his eyes.

"What's wrong?" She asked, wary. She could see he was upset –and probably angry as well- and didn't want him to lash out on her.

"I want him dead," He said through clenched teeth. "I swear someday," He paused, letting out a forced laugh. "Someday, I'm going to kill him in his sleep." He finished and Elle knew he was referring to their father with whom he had probably fought, earlier that night.

"What happened?" She asked, sitting next him and placing her hand on his shoulder. He quickly jerked away, getting up.

"This is all  _your_  fault!" He screamed at her face, more tears falling from his eyes. Elle titled her head, confused.

"Why is it  _my_  fault?" She questioned, trying to understand why she was the reason behind this big mess.

He didn't have time to answer her though, since their dad stormed inside the room, grabbed Joseph by the shirt and shoved him against the wall.

"Don't talk to her." He spoke quietly and Elle knew he was furious.

"No," Joseph said weakly, closing his eyes. Their father just hit him in the head, the way usually friends hit one another, but using a little bit more strength.

He then let him go and took Elle by her hand, dragging her out of Joseph's room and into her own.

"Go to bed." He ordered, turning off the lights and shutting her door.

Elle sank to her knees, finally letting the tears fall from her eyes.

• • •

It was around 3AM when Elle made sure that all of her family's members were sleeping. She slowly got out of bed, trying to make as less noise as she possibly could. Turning on the small lamp that she had on her nightstand, she moved to her desk. Even though it was so late at night, she didn't feel tired at all. Searching her drawers, she finally –after a couple of minutes- found what she was looking for; her diary.

She took the old dark red notebook in her hands, grabbed a pen from her pencil-case and sat back on her bed. She wasn't planning on writing, she just wanted to re-read her old entries, something she did quite a lot lately.

Reading her diary always brought bad memories back and always made her cry and right now she wanted to do just that; cry.

She opened it, not bothering to read the first pages. She had started writing four years ago and had only been self-harming for three years so the first few pages were, she wouldn't say  _happy,_ but there were definitely not going to make her cry. She started flipping through it, only reading specific parts that she had highlighted at some point in the last couple of months.

September 25th 

_Maybe giving up doesn't really show weakness but the exact opposite. Or maybe it shows just how scared I am and how desperately I'm trying to avoid getting hurt._

October 20th 

_But I will recover. Don't I deserve it?_

_All I know is that the girl who used to dream, dancing around to the music in her room, is gone. I'll miss her._

October 23rd 

_I just want somebody right now to hold me and tell me that I am not as alone as I feel. I also need them to tell me that everything will be alright and it doesn't matter if we both know that this isn't the case._

November 4th

_I believe that if I died, no-one would miss me and that's true because right now I'm not part of anyone's life._

December 31st

_A lot of things may have happened but nothing will ever take away my passion for dancing._

February 8th

_My heart was beating really fast, I was sobbing and couldn't breathe. I desperately wanted to scream "Help! Somebody get this monster out of head!" but I didn't. Instead, I put my clothes back on, washed the blood out my hands and walked out of the bathroom with a huge smile on my face._

April 18th

 _I think that I will be free someday; that inside my head will only be_ me _._

 She started going through the pages again, searching for something specific this time. After a few minutes she found what she was looking for. January 17th.

She didn't really need to read anything, she remember perfectly every single second of that awful day but she read the page anyway.

January 17th

_It's only been a few hours and I don't even remember how the fight started. Anyway, I got in a fight with my brother this morning and let's just say that it didn't end well. It started when he punched me on the leg and I called him an asshole and then everything is just a blur._

_I just remember that I ended up pinned with my chest to the end of the bed, him holding me by my wrists. He was using his leg on my back, to push me down on the bed, and kept hitting me. I tried to move, I tried but I couldn't. I could only turn my head from side to side and was screaming hopelessly. I was sure. I was sure he was going to kill me. I kept crying and screaming, hoping that one of our neighbors_ _(since both mum and dad weren't home)_ _could hear me and come help me but no-one ever did. It was awful; waiting for someone who never came. I was in so much pain, at some point I wished he would actually just kill me._

_I don't remember how I got the idea but at some point I used all my strength and bit his right hand. He just screamed in pain and freed me, holding his hand between his legs. I got up and started running to the bathroom to try to escape from him but when I got in and saw my face in the mirror; more tears started falling from my eyes. My lips were covered in blood from biting him so hard. I hadn't realized by then how much strength I had used; my adrenaline was in high levels._

_I just returned back to my room and started screaming to him "Look at me! Look how you made me!". I spat on his face, covering his shirt with tiny blood-stains. I didn't wait before running again as fast as I could back to the bathroom and locking the door behind me. He was running very fast but I still managed to get and lock the door on time. He kept banging on it, using his fists for over half an hour until both mum and dad finally came home._

_What we did after that? We just pretended it never happened._

 She was sobbing by now as the painful memories came back. Her heart was aching and she felt empty inside... she believed she deserved it.

She got up and hid her diary at the back of the last drawer again so no-one would ever find it. Then, she searched for something she shouldn't be: her razors.

She had promised to herself -and to Zayn- that she would try to stop cutting, but the truth was that she couldn't, or better that she didn't  _want_  to stop.

She knew that if she texted Zayn, he would talk to her all night, trying to change her mind... but she didn't pick up her phone, she didn't want to stop right now.

Instead, she cut herself over a hundred times, finding the relief she had -so desperately- been looking for, in the blood that was running down her hand.

She removed her top and bottom, staying in only her underwear. Using her fingers-tips, she touched the fresh cuts, covering her fingers in blood. She then, touched with them every single surface of her body, covering in blood even the parts of her skin she wasn't bleeding from. At last, she touched her forehead, cheeks, and lips, covering her face as well.

She lay there all night, completely numb and covered in her very own blood. 

_She deserved it._


	5. five

I made a mix inspired by this fanfic which you can listen to by clicking the external link or just typing:  _[8tracks.com/xbelieve913/wingless](http://8tracks.com/xbelieve913/wingless) _._  _I hope you like it x

•

Friday 11, July (8:57am)

_Good morning, Elle! I’m not sure if you’ve woken up yet but I wanted to ask you if you have any plans for today? Text me when you see this please x_

 

(11:04am)

Good morning to you too :) No, I don’t! Why are you asking?

 

(12:30pm)

_I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me?_

(12:31pm)

_That came off wrong... I mean as friends, like hang out together downtown or something?_

(12:33pm)

Yeah, sure :) I’d love to!

 

(12:35pm)

_Great! My shift ends in a couple of hours. We could go out straight away?_

 

(12:37pm)

Sure, just send me the address of the tattoo shop and I’ll be there at 2PM sharp.

 

(12:40pm)

_Can’t wait to see you x_

 

• • •

 

To say that Elle was nervous was a huge understatement. Since Zayn had sent her that message, she had been pacing all around her room, nervous.

It wasn’t just the fact that she liked him -not in an erotic way, she just thought that he was super sweet and nice to her and she didn’t want to disappoint him- but also the fact that if he found out that she had cut herself again since they first met on Sunday –and kept cutting on a daily basis since that day-, it would probably make him angry or make him realize that she’s just a lost cause.

It’s not like Elle was expecting Zayn to be the one that would save her from what she had gotten herself into, no. She knew she couldn’t be saved. But the fact that Zayn  _believed_  in her and thought that she was strong enough to recover, gave her hope.

It was a few minutes after one and Elle was staring at her closet, desperately searching for something to wear. The weather outside was nice and if it wasn’t for the scars and cuts on her wrists and thighs she would just wear one of her favorite lilac floral dresses. Now though, her choices were limited.

Sighing, she just picked a simple pair of red skinny jeans and a dark blue top with long sleeves. Then, she went through her usual make-up routine and styled her long blonde hair in loose curls.

After approximately forty-five minutes, she was ready and was walking down the street trying to find the tattoo shop Zayn worked at.

Her parents didn’t mind her going out for lunch with him; instead, they were happy that she finally got out of the house after five days of being locked in her room.

She hadn’t met Zayn again since Sunday so they only texted each other a little throughout this past week. He was really busy with his job at the shop and Elle was extremely sad all week to even try and do anything other than lie on her bed and re-watch her favorite Doctor Who episodes.

When she finally got there, Zayn was outside, leaning against the brick wall while finishing his cigarette. Even though, he was just her friend, she couldn’t deny that he was extremely attractive. With his tight black jeans, simple white t-shirt and blue jean jacket as well as the glasses he was wearing, he simply looked like a model now.

When Zayn noticed her, he waved at her before throwing his cigarette on the ground and stepping on it.

“Hey,” He smiled at her, pulling her in a hug and kissing the top of her head.

“Hi,” She mumbled, giggling. “I didn’t expect you to be such a hugger.”

“I’m not.” Zayn responded and Elle raised her eyebrow at him.

“I’m not,” He repeated. “It’s just you.” He explained further and Elle looked down, trying to hide her now red cheeks.

“I’m super hungry so we better get going.” He suggest and they both started walking on the opposite direction Elle had come from. “Do you want to eat something specific?”

“I don’t mind, whatever you want,” She shrugged, pulling further down her sleeves.

Zayn looked at her hands and then in her eyes, probably realizing that something was up. “Are you alright?” He asked, worried.

“Yes, don’t worry about me, Zayn.” She mumbled, looking up at him.

“That’s impossible,” He simply replied, turning his gaze away.

Elle sighed, getting slightly annoyed. It’s not like she had chosen to be depressed and addicted to harming herself. Well, to be honest, she didn’t mind people caring for her, not at all, instead she liked it because it made her feel less worthless; she hated it though when everyone kept reminding her that her actions made them sad and got them to worry. She  _knew_  it, she didn’t need them to keep repeating it all the time.

“I’m sorry,” She just apologized, biting the inside of her cheek.

“Don’t apologize, you don’t have to. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, alright?” He explained, calmly. “I just want you to pick up the phone whenever you don’t feel well and text me, don’t hurt yourself. I won’t hesitate a second before stopping whatever I’m doing and coming over at your house, no matter what day or time it is.”

“Okay,” Elle murmured. She didn’t know what else she could possible respond to something like this. She was left speechless, she didn’t know Zayn cared about her, or  _pretended_  to care, anyway, her subconscious reminded her.

She shook her head slightly, trying to get rid of these disturbing thoughts, but  _no_  there was  _always_  this voice that whispered to her that Zayn didn’t give a shit about her.  _“He probably wants to humiliate you and make fun of how stupid and weak you are. He’s probably telling everyone he knows how annoying you are.”_

“Do you promise?” He asked, after a few seconds of silence.

“I can’t.” She answered him, honestly. She could keep on trying but she knew that one day she was going to do it again, so really there was no point in making a promise she knew she couldn’t keep.

“Please,” He begged, giving her his biggest smile, lifting up his pinky finger.

“Alright,” She returned a weak smile, holding up her pinky as well.

There was no point,  _really_.

 • • •

 “What we should talk about?” Zayn asked, moving a little the plate in front of him. They were sat in a small Mexican restaurant, waiting for their food now. Zayn had said it was his favorite and Elle didn’t mind since she absolutely loved Mexican food, and spicy food in general.

“I don’t know. What about our favorite music or movies?” Elle shrugged. They knew a lot of things about each other’s lives but not much about simply everyday facts, like their favorite artists or food, or what kind of TV shows they liked.

They knew that there were more important things they could discuss -for example how Zayn was unable to deal with his sister’s death or how Elle was going all the way down again- but it was more fun and less painful to talk about that kind of pointless stuff, about music and TV series.

“Great idea! Let’s start with music.” He suggested, getting excited. He loved music so much and loved singing as well, so he knew that if music or his favorite artists was the main topic, he could probably go on for hours.

“What’s your favorite song of all time?” Elle asked and remember what they said that behind everyone’s favorite song there was an untold story.

“Uhm, that’s a hard one,” He laughed, nervously and then turned all thoughtful. “Probably  _All Back_  by Chris Brown.” He spoke after a few seconds and then nodded, mumbling “Yeah, definitely.”

“I really like this song.” She agreed and started thinking what her favorite song was since she knew this question was coming.

“What’s yours? I can’t even guess what kind of music you listen to,” He admitted and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“ _Autumn Leaves_  by Ed Sheeran.” Elle smiled. “Have you heard of him?” She added, hoping that Zayn would have heard of her favorite artist.

“Is he that ginger singer with the colorful tattoos?” Zayn asked and paused for a few seconds since the waitress had finally came with their food.

“Yes!” Elle mumbled all excited, her face lighting up.

“I only know a couple of his songs, I think they’re called  _You Need Me_  and  _Give Me Love_?”

“Give Me Love is incredible and so emotional, especially when he starts screaming,” She rumbled on. “And I guess you mean  _You Need Me Man, I Don’t Need You_?”

“Yes, that’s the song! Wow, that’s a long title!” He exclaimed and Elle agreed with him, laughing. “I haven’t heard  _Autumn Leaves_  though.” He gave her an apologetic look.

“Don’t worry about it,” Elle scanned her plate, picking up a tortilla chip.

“I’m going to listen to his album when I get home. I’ve heard he’s really talented,” Zayn promised while trying to cut in half a taco.

“He is and if you do,  _Autumn Leaves_  is on the deluxe version.” Elle added, looking up at him.

•

“So, you sing as well?” Elle questioned, dropping her fork on the table, pretending to be angry.

It had been over an hour since the arrived at this small restaurant and they’ve been chatting about music since then while enjoying the delicious food.

“I’m not that good,” Zayn felt the need to say after he took a sip from his drink.

“I bet you sing like an angel.” Elle said, grabbing the last chip that was on her plate.

“No, not really,” Zayn shook his head, silently uncomfortable about getting this much attention.

“You said the same about painting and your NYC graffiti left me speechless,” Elle reminded Zayn who was now smiling.

“Well, then,” He paused for a few seconds looking into Elle’s eyes, before adding: “I’m sure you’re a great dancer, too.”

Elle let out a sigh. “Please don’t.” She begged and leaned back on her chair, increasing the distance between them.

“Why not? You said you loved dancing.” Zayn explained, confused at why Elle’s smile disappeared so quickly.

“I do- I did,” Elle looked down, removing further the nail polish from her already ruined manicure, a bad habit of hers.  “Until everyone told me I’m not good enough.” She added, under her breath and Zayn could barely make out what the girl in front of him had said.

“And you let them win? You let them take away from you what you loved the most?” Zayn leaned over the table, looking at Elle slightly disappointed.

“I’ve told you. It hurts.” She said finally looking at him, remembering the texts they exchanged  _that_ night.

“So you stopped dancing? You have to keep trying, Elle.” He frowned, now looking sad.

“I will start dancing again when I feel ready. Can we stop talking about this?” She snapped at him and he simply nodded not wanting to push her.

“I’ll be right back,” Elle excused herself when Zayn asked for the bill.

Taking her bag, she made her way down the corridor, entering the girls’ restroom. She looked at the mirror and ran her fingers through her long hair in an attempt to fix them. She then reapplied eyeliner and the lipstick she was wearing before the meal.

Putting them back in her bag, she noticed a small tissue folded many times at the bottom. She already knew what she would find if she unfolded it but she did anyway.

The small razor, she had removed from a pencil sharpener a few months ago, was now resting on the inside of her palm. She didn’t hesitate before walking towards the door and standing behind it so no-one could open it if they tried to get inside.

It’s not like she was sad or disappointed at herself, she just wanted to do it. This last week it was like she had lost the ability to feel, it was like she was  _empty_  inside; like someone had ripped her heart out.

Pulling her sleeve all the way up, she cut three times on her left arm. Once she was done, she put the razor back in her bag and walked out of the bathroom while pulling down her sleeves. She smiled –even though she wanted to cry- as she made her way back to the table where Zayn was waiting for her. She had reached a whole new level of pathetic by cutting in a restaurant’s girls’ room.

Zayn watched her as she made her way towards him and it was breaking his heart so see this beautiful and sweet girl, going through some much and feeling pain she didn’t deserve to feel. He wanted to help; he wanted to see her smile and be happy even for a few hours.

And he was going to do just that.

• • •

 “I had fun tonight.” Elle admitted as the two of them made their way back to her house. Zayn insisted again on taking her home even though it was still early and she didn’t mind walking alone. She liked his company; he made her forget about her problems and what was going on back at her house and she absolutely loved that about him.

“Really?” He asked, a huge smile appearing on his face.

“Yeah,” She ensured him before letting out a small laugh. Zayn looked at her confused, and she let out a breath. “We sound like a couple that’s going home after the first date.” She explained, her cheeks getting red.

“Yeah, we do.” Zayn stayed silent for a few seconds before chuckling. “But we’re not a couple.”

“We’re here.” Elle looked at her house and then back at Zayn.

“Thank you for today.” He shoved his hands in his pockets shifting awkwardly his weight from one foot to the other. “I’ll see you soon?” He spoke but his sentence came out as a question.

“Yeah, you can call me whenever you want.” Elle informed him and did exactly what she did the last time they said goodbye. She got closer to him and kissed him on the cheek.

“Bye Zayn,” She smiled and started walking to the direction of the front door.

Zayn bit his lip. “See you soon, Elle.”

They both had huge smiles on their faces as they made their ways back to their houses. They hadn’t realized it yet but they were both already falling for each other. Fast…

 What they also didn’t know was that the end would just be  _tragic_.


	6. six

**Monday 14, July** **(3:39pm)**

_I need you to do me a favor._

**(3:41pm)**

Okay?

**(3:42pm)**

_I need you to be somewhere this afternoon at 6 o’clock._

**(3:43pm)**

Where?

**(3:44pm)**

_I’ll text you the address in an hour or so. You promise to go?_

**(3:45pm)**

I’m a little bit scared but I promise.

• • •

Elle was surprised when the taxi stopped in front of a tall old building; she wasn’t expecting something like  _this_. Why would Zayn want her to be here? She sighed, confused; everything was going to be alright. She politely paid the taxi driver and hopped off the car.

Taking a deep breath, she looked down at herself. She was wearing some knee length back leggings and a very long simple white t-shirt since Zayn had told her to wear something comfortable.

She made her way towards the entrance and was grateful when she saw a young lady –probably in her mid-twenties– behind a desk, waiting to help her.

“May I help you?” She asked politely. She had short dirty blonde hair and was wearing way too much make-up.

“Yes, I was told to be here at 6PM.” Elle explained, nervously. She checked her phone one more time hoping that Zayn had texted her, giving her more details about his plans. But  _no,_ there weren't any.

“Give me a name please.” She spoke and turned to her computer ready to type.

“Zayn Malik.”

The girl gave Elle a confused look and opened her mouth to speak, but she decided otherwise and closed it. “You’re Elle right?” She asked after a few seconds.

“Yeah,” Elle hesitated and made a mental note to ask Zayn about this girl and how she knew who she was.

“I thought Zayn would be with you.” She said mostly to herself and Elle simply shrugged; she was as confused as her. “Take the elevator to the 6th floor and enter the room on your right. You have four hours, until 10PM.” The girl –her name was Jessica, Elle read- instructed her and she mumbled a quick “thank you” before disappearing down the hall.

She did as she was told and got into the elevator. Luckily there weren’t any other people inside so it wasn’t awkward. Getting off on the 6th floor she started feeling nervous again; she had literally no idea what to expect. She trusted Zayn –he had saved her life- but right now she could admit that she was scared and re-considering her decision to show up.

Walking towards the door on her right, she tried to knock; the door though opened slightly, since it wasn’t locked.

Elle’s jaw dropped when she saw what this room was and tears started filling her eyes. Zayn had rented a  _dance studio_  for her.

Her first instinct was to walk out and sent Zayn angry texts for doing this to her but instead she walked further inside the room. She dropped her bag on the floor and then sat down on the wooden floor. The room was completely empty, the only thing in it a CD player and a pile of albums next to it, on one corner.

Elle hadn’t danced in more than four months. After receiving lots of negative comments on her dancing she had given up, even if it was her life dream to become a professional dancer. She had come close to dancing lots of times in these past months but the voices in her head –screaming to her how bad she is- always stopped her.

Elle checked her phone and was surprised when she saw that it was already 6:30PM. She hadn’t done  _anything_  yet. She was just sitting on the floor watching her reflection in the mirrors. She was such a coward.

Sighing, she finally got up and took off her shoes, staying in just her socks. She then, made her way to the CD player and put inside the CD that was on the top of the pile. Music started playing and Elle sat again on the floor in the middle of the room, wondering if she should do this, if she should dance.

_No, you’re useless._

You should do what you love.

_What’s the point in dancing if you’re awful at it?_

Practice will make you perfect, Elle.

Elle get up, dance.

_Just get your stuff and walk out of here; you’re useless. Remember what everyone keeps telling you. You cannot dance. You’re out of rhyme, your movements aren’t smooth-_

Elle pulled her hair, screaming. She was crying really hard right now, more tears falling from her eyes with every second that passed. She was going crazy, these voices in her head drove her crazy and made her feel so small.

She was just a mad girl. A mad girl, with her arms wrapped around her legs, sobbing on the floor of an empty dance studio.

 •

 After an hour of Elle doing nothing but crying, she moved to the bag she had dropped earlier on the ground and pulled out a razor.

Checking the corners of the ceiling for cameras –and making sure there weren’t any- she took off her grey jacket and cut her wrists a few times. After putting it back in her bag and wearing her jacket again, she moved towards the CD player and turned up the music.

She was going to do this.

 •

The song ended and Elle smiled, striking a pose. She then took a bow as if she was thanking the audience that had been watching her, even though she was completely alone. It was a few minutes before ten now and Elle had to leave the studio soon. She didn't want to though. She just wanted to keep dancing and dancing all night until she wasn't physically able to move. All these  _months..._  she had forgotten how happy dancing made her. 

She decided to make a promise to herself, she wasn't going to stop dancing ever again. The next song started playing but she didn't have time to move since she was interrupted by someone calling her name.

“Elle?” It didn’t take her more than a couple of seconds to realize to who this voice belonged to.

“Zayn,” She breathed and walked towards the door, wrapping her arms around him, tight.

He seemed taken aback but soon hugged her back, equally as tight. “I guess you liked the surprise.” He smiled, pulling away from her.

“Thank you. It was amazing.” A few tears fell from the girl’s eyes and Zayn wiped them away using his thumb.

“No, don’t cry, I want to see you smile.” He said sweetly and Elle nodded sniffing. He was such an angel.

“I need to tell you something.” Elle bit her lip, nervously. She hated how she had been lying to him. “I broke the promise, I’m so sorry.”

“I know.” He responded, his voice a whisper.

“You do?” Elle swallowed, she had made such a fool of herself.

“Yes, it’s alright. It was stupid of me to make you promise.” He frowned and took her hands in his. Elle was wearing her jacket but a few blood stains from earlier were visible since the fabric wasn’t dark.

“But I want to get better.” She broke the silence and Zayn looked up at her. “After tonight, I finally remembered who I truly am.” She paused, searching for the right words. “I’m not this  _weak_ girl that cuts herself when she isn’t able to deal with her problems and the pain she feels inside.”

“I’m going to get help.” She added and Zayn opened his mouth to speak but Elle interrupted him. “I mean professional help. I will start going to a therapist or something.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to say this for a month now.” Zayn admitted and smiled. He was so proud. He wasn’t expecting Elle to get better soon, she had lot of issues to take care of. But her  _decision_ , he was so happy; it must have required a lot of courage and strength. It was a huge step for Elle.

“I will try but this doesn’t mean that I’m not going to fuck-up again. I  _know_  that I’m going to. Don’t get your hopes up, alright?” Elle warned him and Zayn slightly shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it.” He assured her and then looked at her lips for a second and then back at her eyes. He just wanted to lean in and kiss her right now but he wasn’t sure if he should.

“Do it,” Elle mumbled, as if she was reading his mind. “But I’m telling you I’m going to fuck-up and I will let you down-”

“Don’t speak,” He commanded and Elle nodded, wetting her lips with her tongue.

Zayn leaned in and placed his lips on hers softly. Elle moved her hands to his hair and Zayn his to her waist, trying to get as close to Elle as possible, deepening the kiss.

Elle felt something click, like a key turning in a lock and she smiled. Her stomach was twitching and it was like a million butterflies were flying around. But there was also something  _else_ , something she had never felt before. That emptiness was gone, she kind of felt  _whole_.

•••

“I don’t want to go home yet.” She frowned as the two of them made their way out of the old building.

“Alright, where do you want us to go?” Zayn took her hand in his, smiling and Elle was surprised by his gentle gesture.

“Can we go to the park?” She asked and he considered it for a few seconds before replying a quick “alright”.

The park wasn’t that far for the dance studio, only a few minutes’ walk.

“Did you have fun tonight?” He questioned, looking at her.

“Yes,” She inhaled deeply. “I had forgotten how much I loved dancing.” She replied, remembering how happy she felt after each song was over.

“I still haven’t seen you dance.” Zayn pointed out, rubbing the back of Elle’s hand with his thumb.

“I have a few videos from some competitions I took part in, last year. We could watch them if you want.”

“You’ve taken part in comps? How did you do?” He questioned, impressed.

“Well,” She hesitated, “I was always in the top three.” Elle admitted, feeling her cheeks getting red.

“ _Seriously?_  Wow, well done!” He said, sounding truly happy for her.

“Thanks,” She simply smiled; she had no idea how to accept compliments.

“And you still believe that you’re not good enough?” Zayn shook his head, slightly.

“Yeah,” She bit the inside of her cheek. “Even when I came first, I kind of felt that it was because they felt bad for me for being  _that_  awful.” She confessed, looking down at her shoes.

“Oh, Elle,” He looked at her and there was so much pain in his eyes, she had to look away.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. It’s not your fault.” He informed her before changing the topic. “I listened to Ed Sheeran’s album the other day, by the way.” He spoke and a huge smile spread all over her face again.

“What do you think? Do you like it?” She asked, the excitement clear in her voice.

“Yes, I love it. My favorite song on it is definitely  _Little Bird_. I don’t know why but it kind of reminds me of you.” He explained, shyly.

“Interesting,” Elle giggled. “What about  _Autumn Leaves_  though?”

“It’s such a beautiful song but it makes me sad every time I listen to it.” He responded and Elle nodded. The truth was that this song made her quite sad as well and that was the reason why she liked it so much. She wasn’t going to let him know though.

“I learned it on guitar,” Zayn added and Elle looked at him, surprised.

“You know how to play the guitar? Is there something you  _can’t_  do?” She threw her hands in the air, pretending to be frustrated.

“Yes,” Zayn laughed. “I definitely can’t  _dance_.” He spoke, looking embarrassed.

“I refuse to believe it until I see it with my own eyes.”

“That’s never going to happen.” He said, all serious as they entered the park.

Elle laughed before the two of them sat down on the grass, on the exact same spot they had just a few days ago, the day when they first met each other. It didn’t seem like it was only a few days ago though; Elle felt as if she had known him for much longer.

She laid down, looking up at the night sky. “Join me,” She whispered to Zayn, taking his hand and pulling him down, next to her.

“You really like watching the stars, don’t you?” He asked, trying to get as comfortable as it was possible on the cold hard ground.

“Yes- oh  _look_!” She raised her hand, pointing to the something in the sky. Zayn didn’t even bother to look, he kept his eyes on her, taking in every little detail of her face. For example, how deep the dimples on her cheeks were as she smiled big and how adorable she looked, now that she had squeezed shut her eyes and brought her hands close to her chest, crossing her fingers.

When she opened them and caught him staring, her smile disappeared. “It was a shooting star! Did you make a wish?”

“Yeah, yeah,” He lied, looking up at the beautiful sky.

 Well… If he had to make a wish, it would be for Elle to love him because Zayn wasn’t so sure that the girl next to him was  _able_  to.

“Good,” She replied and closed her eyes again. She loved how carefree and cheerful she was always around him and she loved how he made her forget about the bad things in her life.

“Elle?” Zayn broke the silence after several minutes.

“I thought you had fallen asleep.” She spoke honestly, turning to her side to face him.

“No,” He shook his head before biting his lip, trying to find the right words to say. “You will get help, right?” The worry was clear in his voice and Elle just wanted to kiss him right now… and she did.

“Of course,” She smiled when they both pulled away.

“Have you ever tried to stop before?”

“Not really. Well… one time I had found out about this project on the internet, called the butterfly project that was supposed to prevent you from harming yourself.” She spoke, turning to her previous position. “You are supposed to draw a butterfly on your wrist when you feel the urge to cut and name it after a loved one. If you cut, you kill it but if you don’t, it lives.”

“And it must fade naturally, you can’t scrub it.” She added. “I didn’t know who to name it after though, so I never tried it.”

“I could draw you one.” Zayn shrugged, sitting up. “Do you have a pen with you?” He questioned and Elle nodded, sitting up as well and reaching for her bag.

“Wait,” She stopped when she found the pen. “You can’t-” She trailed off. Zayn gave her a confused look. “I don’t want you to see my scars.” She admitted, playing nervously with the pen’s cap.

“If you don’t want me to, then I won’t.” He said softly and took slowly the pen out of Elle’s hands. “Give me your hand,” He reached out for her.

“Zayn,” She breathed, trying to increase the distance between them.

“Trust me,” He kept his voice low and she took a moment to collect her thoughts before sighing and letting him take her hand in his.

“I will need your help,” He closed his eyes, before pulling up the sleeve of Elle’s jacket. He put down the pen and with his now free hand, he touched Elle’s skin, feeling her cuts under his fingertips. Elle was watching him carefully, not taking her eyes from his closed ones. Her heart had started beating faster and it felt as it was ten degrees hotter than it was two seconds ago.

“I can feel your pulse quicken, try to calm down,” He suggested but that was impossible, especially when he brought her wrist to his lips and kissed her scars.

“I’ll attempt to draw a butterfly now, I need you to tell me where I’m supposed to draw,” He whispered, his eyes still closed. Elle nodded but then remembered that he couldn’t see her so she mumbled a quick “okay”.

Zayn took the pen in his hand again and with the other held Elle’s tight. He drew the butterfly’s body at first, which he managed to draw perfectly. He then tried to draw the right wing but placed the pen at the wrong place.

“Wait!” Elle stopped him and positioned his hand at the right spot. He didn’t blame him though, he was trying to draw a butterfly upside-down  _and_  his eyes closed.

“Thanks,” He wetted his lips before continuing to draw. After a few minutes he was done and the butterfly was ready.

“Don’t open your eyes yet.” Elle begged, taking the pen from his hand and writing under the butterfly his name. She then pulled down her sleeve and let him know that he could open them now.

“Thank you,” She smiled at him, a tear rolling down her cheek.

“Just don’t kill it.” He leaned in and pecked a kiss on her lips.

 “I will try.” She promised. This time she was ready to fight.


	7. seven

**I suggest you listen to Glee's cover of _Let Me Love You_  by Ne-Yo while reading this :)**

•

It had been over a month since Elle danced that night in that old building’s dance studio; and she hadn’t stop since. After that, after taking that very first step again, she would dance every day and work  _harder_ than she had ever work before. She wanted to become better, she wanted to be so good that everyone who ever doubted her, had no other choice than to admire her now.

Elle had also never cut herself again since that night; she couldn’t bring herself to run the razors across her skin, not when Zayn was taking so good care of her. Because after he had drew that butterfly on her wrist at the park, he would make sure to draw one again every couple of days –since it would fade away- so Elle wouldn’t have to hurt herself; and it was working so far.

There were times though when she had been very sad and angry –either because her parents would fight or because she would argue with Joseph– and had gotten so close to doing that again, but she never did. She knew that if she cut, Zayn would get upset so instead she would cry, tear books apart, break stuff in her room and then call him and have him pick her up and take her out to calm herself.

One of  _those_  days she had called Zayn and they both went out. He begged her to throw away her razor blades because maybe then she wouldn’t be so easily triggered. But self-harming wasn’t just cutting; Elle could be alone, locked in an empty room and still manage to hurt herself. She wasn’t going to let him know that though. So she told him that she would and he just smiled, proudly. But Elle  _didn’t_. The small bloody tissue she had wrapped them in, the last time, was still hidden at the back of her drawer along with her diary.

As for the two of them, none really knew what they wanted from each other. Did they want to stay just friends? Did they want to become something more? Elle definitely didn’t want to lose Zayn because right now he was the only person in her life who actually cared about her – or at least pretended to, she would always remind herself. He was making her strong just by being around and had the ability to make feel less  _hopeless…_  so she was just confused as to what should happen between the two of them.

Zayn was confused too. He definitely liked Elle but he knew she was too “messed up” right now to even think of loving someone else. She still had issues loving herself and accepting the fact that she was addicted to hurting herself… and that was when he got an idea.

It was a few days after they shared their first kiss when Zayn took his guitar before going to the park with her. After playing to her  _Autumn Leaves_  and a few other songs he had written -and Elle had absolutely fallen in love with- he looked into her eyes while biting his lips, nervously. “This is for you.” He had mumbled and then ran his hand through his hair. And then he started playing. Elle immediately recognized the song –she had heard it so many times on the radio– it was  _Let Me Love You_  by Ne-Yo. She let him finish singing before grabbing his face and kissing him with tears in her eyes.

They still hadn’t labeled what they were exactly but they definitely were not “ _just friends_ ” anymore.

Right now, Elle was lying on the couch in the living room watching some cooking show that was on TV with her father. It was a few minutes after seven o’ clock and since she hadn’t gone out that day at all, she was still wearing her PJs, her hair all messy since she hadn’t bothered even running her fingers through it.

“He didn’t even mix the ingredients well!” Her dad complained, shaking his head disapprovingly at the chubby man who was cooking on the screen.

“He’s on TV dad, I’m sure when he cooks at his house, he mixes them better.” Elle rolled her eyes, turning up the volume.

 “It’s because your father is flawless and cooks so damn well all the time.” Her mother joked while entering the living room. She picked her phone from the table and then walked back in the kitchen but Elle could still see her because there was no wall separating the two rooms.

“I don’t cook half as bad as you.” He argued, before getting up and walking to the kitchen as well, ready to pick a fight.

“How about you make lunch every day then?” Her mother smiled.

Elle knew that they would start arguing in less than a few seconds so she turned off the TV, threw the remote on the couch and walked back into her room. She sat on her bed and let out a long breath, slightly shaking her head. They were unbelievable.

She had picked up her phone and was watching random choreography videos on YouTube when she heard her mother scream at her father to let her go.

“Will,  _stop_. This isn’t funny anymore!” She cried and Elle quickly jumped off of her bed and walked back into the living room. Both her parents were in the kitchen and her father was holding tight her mother by her hair.

“Hey!  _Stop it_!” Elle shouted at him and then rushed to help her mother, who had now tears in her eyes.

“You can be such an asshole sometimes.” Her mother mumbled, burying her face in Elle’s neck as soon as her husband let her go.

“Fuck off,” He simply replied, returning to the living room and turning on the television again, ignoring the two of them. She glared at her father as she continued to hold her mother tight.

• • •

Elle was sitting on the floor, listening to Ed Sheeran’s album like she always did when she was sad. To say that her day absolutely sucked was such an understatement. It all started with her parents fighting and ended up with her mother and Joseph getting into another fight, a little later.

Elle usually ignored their fights since they would argue over the smallest and silliest things but both of them had said a few harsh words to each other that night. Joseph had hit her –not very bad but that wasn’t really the point because he had still managed to touch his own mother– and then she was crying again screaming at Elle to call someone who knew how to give up children for adoption. She claimed that because Josh still hadn’t turned eighteen that they would take him.

That’s all Elle needed to start crying too and lock herself in her room, desperately searching through the drawers for her razors. She was holding one in her hand right now, wondering if it was really worth it to mess up the month she had been clean.

“ _Fuck it,”_  She cursed under her breath as she shifted in a more comfortable position. Of course, she wasn’t going to cut on her wrist since Zayn would probably see the cuts -and she had that stupid butterfly on her skin there too- so she decided to cut herself on her thighs and stomach. 

 _Autumn Leaves_ was now playing and she found herself smiling as she run the sharp object across her skin. She took a deep breath and waited for the blood to spill out of the cut. When it finally did, she touched the scar with her fingertips, covering them in blood. She was about to cut herself again when  _Little Bird_  started playing from her phone. It was the song Zayn had said that reminded him of her. Tears immediately started falling from her eyes and she threw the razor on the floor, away from her.

 _No_ , she wasn’t going to give up on herself so easily and let her demons take over. She picked up her phone from the floor and paused the music, then opened a new text and quickly messaged Zayn.

**(9:06pm)**

Can you come pick me up please?

**(9:08pm)**

_Is anything wrong? Is your family fighting again?_

**(9:10pm)**

I cut myself.

**(9:11pm)**

_Get ready, I’ll be there in 5’._

  
• • •

When Elle saw Zayn standing outside her house, she rushed out and wrapped her arms around him. Zayn was surprised at first but then he quickly wrapped his own arms around the girl. “It’s all going to be alright,” He whispered in her ear as she cried.

“ _No_ , it’s not. I’m so sorry. I fucked up again, I promised you that I wouldn’t cut myself but I did. I’m so stupid, you really must hate me-”

“I could never hate you, alright?” He said softly, kissing the top of her head.

“I bet you’re disappointed though,” She looked up at him and emotion flashed in his eyes but it disappeared before Elle could decide which emotion it was.

“No, I’m not. I’m not expecting from you to get better in three weeks. Such things take time.” He comforted her and Elle found herself being grateful for having someone like him in her life.

Elle had almost forgotten that the two of them were still outside her house until she heard someone yelling from inside.

“Let’s go.” Zayn suggested, taking Elle’s hand and intertwining their fingers.

•

“It’s going to rain,” Elle pointed out looking up at the cloudy sky and then held with her free hand her jacket closer to her body.

“Don’t worry, we’ve almost reached my house.” He replied and Elle mumbled a quiet “alright”. They hadn’t said much since he picked her up and she was nervous because she knew that he would try to talk to her later about what she had done and also mention the fact that she had lied to him about throwing her razors away. Zayn might have been her getaway and her escape from the real world but right now, Elle found herself wishing she wasn’t with him either.

“Say something?” The words somehow found their way to her trembling lips.

“You lied to me.” He finally spoke, not looking at her as they walked.

“I’m sorry,”

“Sorry won’t make it up to me,” He kept his voice low, still not making eye contact with Elle.

“You don’t understand,” She snapped, taking her hand away from his. They had both stopped walking now and were standing in the middle of the street, looking at each other.

“I’m trying to, Elle! I’m trying to help you here but you’re not making it easy! I’ve told you so many times that if you ever have the urge to harm yourself, pick up the  _damn_  phone and call me! I’ve been drawing butterflies on your wrist for a month and they are only so many times I can do that!” He shouted at her and tears started falling from her eyes; she was right from the start, Zayn didn’t give a shit about her.

She didn’t know what to say and even if she did, she didn’t trust her voice not to break so she turned around and started walking away like she always did when she came face-to-face with a situation she couldn’t handle.

“Where are you going?” Zayn asked her as soon as she was a few meters away from him.

“Home,” Elle answered him, trying to keep her voice casual.

“This can’t be happening,” Zayn said mostly to himself before letting out a sigh and going after her.

Rain drops started falling from the sky and Zayn cursed under his breath as he ran to catch up with Elle. “Elle, wait,”

“What?” She snapped one more time, turning around to face him.

“I shouldn’t have said that-”

“You don’t say,” She interrupted him, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Let me finish,” He ran his hand through his now wet hair. “I shouldn’t have said that but I was angry - I guess because you lied to me about throwing the razors away. I thought we were making progress here and this,” He pointed at her and then at him. “us, cannot work if we aren’t honest with each other.” He pressed his lips together. “I’ve been giving to you all of me but I need you to do the same.”

“I’m sorry,” He added after a few seconds since Elle hadn’t said a word, she kept looking at him. “Say something?” Zayn was the one to beg this time.

“I can’t do this,” Elle managed to say in-between her sobs, and the words came out as a scream. “I can’t,” She sank into her knees and covered her face with her hands. “I’m not strong enough,  _I need_  it.”

Zayn kneeled next to her and tried to hold her into his arms but she pushed him away. He took a few steps backwards, surprised. Then he saw what Elle was doing.

“ _Stop!_ ” He almost shouted and tried to take her hands in his but she was putting up a fight by pushing him away and punching his chest.

“No, let me  _go!”_ She cried when he finally managed to hold her tight enough so she couldn’t move. “I hate you!” She continued to yell at him as she cried but she had stopped moving now, she was standing still.

“Shh, it’s all going to be okay,” He mumbled while rubbing circles on her back with his hand. “I’m here, I’ve got you.” He reminded her, kissing the top of her head.

Elle took a step back and pushed up the sleeves of her jacket. She looked down at the marks she had created from digging her nails into her skin and from scratching herself. “What have I done?” She breathed out.

 “Hey, it’s alright.” He grabbed her wrist and pulled her into a tight hug. “It’s alright,” He repeated but now he was crying too.


	8. eight

“Make yourself at home.” Zayn smiled warmly at Elle as the pair entered his house.

“Alright,” She responded automatically since her full attention had the way his living room was decorated. She let him take off her jacket as she looked around, speechless.

The living room’s walls were painted a light grey that matched perfectly the white big couch that was on their right and the dark grey armchair that they were facing. On the right wall there was simply a huge TV screen and in the middle of the room, a coffee table that was made by a dark wood that matched the dark pillows on the couch. Also, there was a huge glass door on the opposite wall that -Elle assumed- led to the back porch of the house. The whole room was modernly decorated but somehow still managed to look cozy unlike most houses that were like this.

“Like it?” Zayn questioned when Elle closed her mouth since her jaw had dropped when they walked in.

She blushed and brought her hands to her face to cover her now red cheeks. “Yeah,” She nodded and Zayn simply laughed at her cute reaction. He then shook his head slightly and took Elle’s hands away from her face.

“Don’t, it’s cute.” He admitted and Elle blushed even more.

“I’ll go bring you some towels from the closet then show you to bathroom. I’m not letting you stay in these wet clothes, you’re going to catch a cold or something.” He explained and then moved down the hall until he was out of her sight.

Elle stood awkwardly in the middle of the room before letting out a sigh and moving a little around, taking in the small details of the room. Like the open notepad that was on the couch, that Elle picked up and saw that was filled with random cartoon characters that Zayn had probably drew, or the small pile of CDs that was on the coffee table. She picked that up too and went through all of them, reading the titles and the artist and turning the albums around to read further some song titles if she thought anything was interesting. She was surprised when she came across her favorite album ‘ _+_ ’ that she made Zayn listen to a few weeks ago. She was happy that he had actually spent some of his spare time to check out something she had suggested. Usually when she recommended something to her friends or parents -like movies, or TV series- they would shake their heads indifferent.

“Here you are,” Zayn said while entering the room and Elle jumped almost dropping the pile she was holding. “Sorry,” He apologized and Elle shook her head reassuring him it was alright.

“I’ll try to take a shower as fast as I can so you take one afterwards, we’re both wet.” Elle informed Zayn and he smiled. It was this kind of little things that made him think that Elle cared about him just as much as he did.

“Don’t worry, this house has two bathrooms, I’ll be done before you finish yours.” He explained and Elle nodded once again, taking the towels from his hands and letting Zayn show her to the bathroom.

•

When Elle was done, she dried -as much as she could- her hair with a towel and then grabbed it up in a messy ponytail. Zayn had given her one of his t-shirt as well as a pair of his black boxers along with the clean white towels before. She immediately recognized the Batman t-shirt, since it was the one he was wearing the first time they met. She smiled at the memory and then wondered if Zayn did that on purpose. She bit her lip before picking it up and smelling it. It smelt just like him; a mix of cologne, aftershave and cigarettes. She put it on with a smile on her face and then put on his boxers as well. To her disappointment, her scars  _and_ that one fresh cut she had made a few hours ago, were visible. She looked around, hoping she would find something else to wear and cover them up but she couldn’t.

“Zayn?” She called, picking her head from the bathroom’s door.

“Yeah?” She heard him answer and then she could hear his bare feet on the floor as he approached. “You alright?” He asked when he came close enough. He had finished his shower as well, Elle could tell since his hair was all dump and slightly wet. He was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants that hang loose on his waist and Elle could see the waistband of his boxers since he was topless.

“I’m great, I was just wondering if you could-” She paused, ashamed. This was harder that she expected. “Uhm…” Her voice trailed off.

“Just tell me, Elle.”

“Could you bring me something longer to wear? Like a pair of sweatpants or something? It’s just- I have scars-”

“Okay,” He smiled and then disappeared down the hallway again. Elle let out a relieved sigh. She was happy he didn’t force her to come out in just his underwear, exclaiming that he had seen some of her scars before. He was so understanding.

“Here,” He interrupted her thoughts and Elle turned her head to see him again, holding a pair of black sweatpants in his hands.

“Thank you, Z.” She smiled and closed the door to get dressed. When she was ready, she walked out and got greeted by a Zayn with an eyebrow raised.

“What?” She asked, confused.

“ _Z_?”

“Uhm,” She looked down at her hands, embarrassed. She had called him “Z” before but it was only through texts, never in real life.

“No, it was cute!  _Too_  cute actually.” He finally reassured her. “Come here.” He opened his arms and Elle walked towards him, wrapping her hands around his waist.

“Are you going to stay the night?” He asked her as their made their way back to the living room, catching her off-guard. It was still raining a lot outside and it was already very late so there was no way she could return home right now; especially if no-one could give her a ride. And to be honest, Elle didn’t really want to go back home and face her family, she would rather be with Zayn.

“If you want me to,” She responded.

“Of course I want.” Zayn kissed the top of her head before they both sat down on the couch.

“Do you want us to watch a movie or something?” He suggested before adding: “I found the movie from which the quote I based my lightning tattoo is from. It’s called  _Struck By Lightning_. I haven’t watched it yet so I don’t know if it’s good or not but we can watch it now if you want.”

“Sure,” Elle shrugged, it didn’t matter what they were doing as long as she was away from home and they were together.

“Alright, then. Can you go to my bedroom and bring my laptop as I order something for us to eat? It’s on my bed.” He replied and Elle quickly got up, making her way down the hallway.

“Do you want pizza or Chinese?” Zayn shouted from the living room and Elle quickly answered that she preferred pizza.

There were two doors she came face-to-face and she didn’t know which one was his bedroom. She could hear Zayn talking on the phone and she didn’t want to interrupt him so she opened the door that was on her left, hoping that it would be his bedroom.

She walked inside the dark room and stretched her hand, searching on the wall for the switch. When she finally found it, she turned on the lights, looking around. This wasn’t Zayn’s bedroom and even though she knew she shouldn’t probably be in there, she found herself speechless and unable to move.

“Elle?” She heard her name from the living room but she kept on watching the graffiti on the walls of the room she was in. It was a simple room, with no other furniture inside except the small table in the corner on which were a few spray bottles, masks and plastic gloves. The walls of it were painted dark blue -like the color the sky had at night- and only one wall had a graffiti painted on it.

It was a girl; an angel actually since there were big white wings on her back. She had long dark hair that was styled in a messy French braid and her eyes were light brown; the exact same color with Zayn’s. She was wearing a long white dress and a shy smile crept on her face. It was such a beautiful graffiti and Elle found herself speechless. She knew Zayn was extremely talented but this –  _this_  was just something else.

“Elle?” She heard Zayn again but this time it was only seconds before he entered the room as well. “Oh, here you are. Found my graffiti room, I see.” He spoke as he came closer to her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

“It’s amazing- Just- wow,” Elle was unable to describe how she felt watching it and Zayn simply chuckled.

“Thank you,” He said quietly and she turned around to face him.

“What’s wrong?” She inquired, frowning and Zayn let out a forced laugh, avoiding to look into her eyes.

Elle stayed quite since she didn’t want to push him. She was willing to wait until he was ready to talk about it. When he finally looked up at her though, his eyes were all watery.

“Zayn, no,” She begged him, grabbing his face in her hands and wiping away the tears from his cheek with her thumb. “Please don’t cry,”

“Sorry, it’s just the memories- it’s still too soon.” He tried to explain and Elle gave him an apologetic smile.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. Let’s go back inside.” She suggested taking his hand in hers but he shook his head, refusing to move.

“No, I need to tell you but I feel like you’re going to hate me.” He admitted running his hand through his hair and Elle’s heart started beating faster.

“I could never hate you.”

Zayn took her hand and they both sat down on the cold floor, facing the graffiti of the angel. Zayn’s breathing was still heavy so Elle simply waited, her eyes locked with the girls’ on the wall.

“Okay,” Zayn breathed and turned to face Elle.

“This girl is my sister.” He explained and Elle wanted to comment that she thought she was very beautiful but something inside her told her not to. “She died last year.” He added and Elle could see the pain in his brown eyes; it broke her heart. She wished he would just stop talking about her because she knew it was too hard for him to do this. On the other hand, she wanted to learn as much as she could about her.  _So_ , she let him continue while she looked on the wall so he wouldn’t feel like she was pressuring him.

“She was fifteen years old,” He paused, inhaling sharply. “When she killed herself.” Elle’s head turned and she looked at Zayn who was already looking at her, waiting for her reaction.

Elle was confused, she didn’t know how to feel about this. Mostly, she felt betrayed.  _“I feel like you’re going to hate me.”_  His words echoed. She knew that there was something that had made Zayn reply to her that night but she had no idea that the reason he tried to save her was because his sister had committed suicide, a few months before she accidentally texted him.

“Why?” She asked, turning her gaze away again.

“At first we had no idea why she did what she did, we were all  _so_  confused. She was the kind of person that was always happy; Vic was  _always_  smiling and whenever someone else was sad or crying, she would always try her best to see them all happy too. It didn’t make any sense as to why she would kill herself, you know? I remember one night -it was late August then and she killed herself in November- she came home crying. We asked her what was wrong but she ignored us and locked herself in the bathroom where she stayed for the rest of the night. She wasn’t speaking to  _any_  of us for a few days -not even me even though we  _always_  told each other our secrets- she would just stay locked in her room, lying on her bed and crying. When she finally spoke to me, a week later, she admitted that she had broken up with her boyfriend. Although, her reaction seemed too dramatic for something like only a break-up, we all shook it off. I mean, she was a teenage girl  _after all_... Teenage girls are supposed to be all dramatic, right?” Zayn’s voice cracked and he was crying too much by now. Elle moved closer to him and let him cry on her shoulder.

She wanted to tell him that it was alright, that Vic was in a better place now and that she was happy and all smiley again but seeing him like  _that_ ; she knew that there was no point. Zayn looked up at her and Elle pressed her lips on his, slowly. He kissed her back and sighed before pulling away to continue speaking.

“She- uh,” He coughed before continuing: “After that we all started noticing that she was slightly changing. She wouldn’t go out as much as she used to, she wouldn’t like being touched, she would get scared very easily and even all OCD sometimes about being clean and everything.  We didn’t understand back then. We  _should have_  put all the pieces together Elle;  _I_  should have asked her what was wrong but I didn’t! I should have tried to help her.” A tear fell from her eyes, guessing where Zayn was going with this. She quickly wipe it away before he could see her.

“When she killed herself- I started asking myself why would she do something like that. I went to her friends and talked to them; I asked them all about the little changes and about her ex-boyfriend but no-one knew anything, they were all very confused too. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago that I found her diary as me and my mum were cleaning her room. I hid it from her because I wanted to be the first to read it. I mean- I didn’t want to upset her even more; she hasn’t been doing very well since Victoria’s death.  _So,_  I took it with me and came home later than night to read it alone.”

Zayn brought his hands to his face. “She had been- Someone had- How could  _anyone_  do that, Elle? She was _just_  a little girl- What kind of monster would dare to touch her-”

“I’m sorry, Zayn, I’m so  _so_  sorry,” Elle apologized, tears falling from her eyes.

Zayn wrapped his arms around her waist and cried as she held him, tight. “I should have helped her, I should have done-”

“It’s not your fault-”

“But I was her older brother, I was supposed to take care of her, I was supposed to protect her-”

“You couldn’t have known. Hey-  _look_  at me! It’s not your fault, okay? Don’t blame yourself, please.” She was speaking slowly, trying to keep her voice steady.

“I can’t.” He shook his head.

“Oh,  _Zayn,_ ”

They didn’t speak again that night. When their food arrived, none of them touched it and none paid attention to the movie that was playing on the TV screen. When they decided to call it a night and go to sleep, Elle was hoping Zayn would say something to her… but he didn’t. Instead he got up at some point of the night and went out on the porch to smoke, leaving her alone on the double bed.


	9. nine

Elle groaned as she heard the doorbell ring. She was home alone right now since her parents were visiting her aunt and uncle's house for the day and Joseph was out with his three best friends.

She got up from the couch, putting the TV on mute and moving towards the door. Her hair was all messy and she had been wearing the same pair of PJs, which was her favorite, three days in a row... without showering. But she didn't have a problem with that since she had no plans with getting out of the house whatsoever.

Since she had been to Zayn's house last week and learned about his sister getting rapped on her way home from her boyfriend's –ex-boyfriend?– house, they hadn't talked in six days.

It was Elle's turn to give him some space. Whenever he was ready he knew where to find her while in the meantime she was trying to take better care of herself.

Elle had actually started seeing someone; a therapist. His name was Dr. Stevens and he was in his late forties. He was bald and didn't seem to be able to see anything despite the big glasses he was wearing. He was super-nice to Elle though and unlike she first thought, he didn't look at her like she was completely crazy. It almost felt like he was her friend, he made her feel  _that_ comfortable. And, in return she told him everything.

After the third meeting with him though, he gave her some pills saying that they would help her with her depression and bipolar disorder. She wasn't sad when she learned that, only a little bit surprised; she needed some time to accept it. So, every day she would shallow a few pills from the three colorful bottles.

The last couple of days though, she had taken none. She thought she was fine -her definition of fine anyway-.

"Hi," Zayn greeted her as soon as she opened the door.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, suddenly aware of the fact that she hadn't showered in three days but thanking God she had actually brushed her teeth an hour or so ago, after she had mac n' cheese for lunch.

"I brought a movie and some nachos." He explained, holding up the DVD and the bag of food. "And I came here to apologize for being a dick to you this past week." He smiled. Elle let out a sharp breath before moving to the side and letting him inside.

"We're alone." She informed him as she closed the door before following him to the living room.

He walked and dropped the DVD and the bag of nachos on the coffee table before his eyes drifted to the TV screen. He titled his head a little –something that Elle thought was absolutely adorable– and tried to figure out which movie or TV series she was watching from the paused scene. He couldn't.

"Sherlock." She explained as she sat next to him, distance between the two.

He simply nodded before whipping his sweaty palms on his black jeans and opening his mouth to speak.

Elle didn't let him though "Do you mind if I shower first? I feel like I can't be taken seriously like this." She pointed out, making Zayn laugh.

"Yeah, of course, go on." He smiled that crooked smile, making Elle's stomach twitch.

"I won't be long!" She shouted, already running up the stairs.

•

Elle grabbed a towel around her head before walking back into the living room. Zayn was laying on the couch, the remote control in his hands, flipping through the channels. He hadn't noticed Elle yet, his eyes were focused on the cooking show on TV.

"Do you cook?"

His head shot up and he quickly turned off the TV. "No," He shook his head. "Unless you don't want to eat, don't let me cook." He laughed, looking down; his cheeks were all red.

Elle laughed too before sitting down next to him and taking his hand in hers.

"I'm sorry," He started before looking up at her and chuckling. Elle gave him a confused look. "Sorry, it's – just – I can't take you seriously when you have a towel on your head." He explained, motioning towards her head.

Elle groaned before speaking, "God, you're such an idiot." She then took the towel in her hands before throwing it on the armchair.

"Go on," She encouraged him and he wetted his lips before looking at his feet.

"I'm sorry about what happened last week. I was supposed to come pick you up and make you forget about your parents' argument but instead I just cried all night because you found my graffiti room and I told you about Vic." He took her hand in his and squeezed it slightly. "I mean, I don't regret telling you. I would have to do that at some point. It's just - the timing was wrong and I was a selfish bastard." He paused, looking into Elle's green eyes, waiting for a response.

Elle's grip on his hand tightened. "It's alright, I understand." She smiled at him warmly.

"You have every right to be mad at me." He admitted, shaking his head.

"Zayn, I'm not mad at you." She assured him before a minute of silence followed. It was interrupted by Zayn's laugh.

"What?" Elle questioned, not having a clue what Zayn was laughing at...  _again._

"I feel like whenever we see each other, one of us is crying. If this was a book everyone would be sad and probably have stopped reading by now."

"Okay?"

"So... I've brought a movie and food because it's time for us to do something fun!" He explained, getting up and taking the DVD and the bag of nachos of the table. " _But_ ," He emphasized the word, "Just watching a movie while eating is cliché and boring –and I do neither– so we're going to improvise."

"Alright," She smiled, sitting up all excited.

"Here's what we're gonna do," He started. "We're going to put the movie on  _but_ we're going to have it on mute." He said and Elle looked at him confused. " _Wait_! Have you seen this movie?" He turned the DVD towards her and Elle simply shook her head.

"Good," Zayn commented before continuing, "We're gonna watch it and make up our own dialogues!"

Elle laughed, "This is going to be fun."

Zayn got and put the movie and the DVD player as Elle brought an empty bowl for the nachos from the kitchen.

"You're going to do the voices of all the women and I'm going to do the voices of all the men." Zayn suggested so they wouldn't get confused later.

•

They were having so much fun playing this game and Elle found herself laughing so hard she had never before. That of course, until a sex scene came on.

Elle's character was on the screen so she knew she should say something. "Ah?" She tried to moan but it came out as a question causing Zayn to fall off the couch laughing.

"If you think it's that easy, you try!" She complained, throwing a pillow at him.

Zayn gave her a no-you-didn't look before sitting back on the couch and faking an orgasm. Successfully, making Elle shift in her position.

"Alright," She sighed, picking up the pillow for the floor. "We will just wait until this scene is over." She informed Zayn who started laughing again.

She swiveled her gaze from him, back to the screen but she could feel his eyes burning on her.

"Don't stare at me, it's rude." She mumbled, still not taking her eyes from the TV.

"What are we Elle?" He questioned and she looked at him, taken aback by his sudden question.

"Uhm," She hesitated because she had truly no idea.

"I mean – We aren't a couple obviously – We aren't dating, I haven't even taken you out on a date yet – But we aren't friends either, we're more than that." He explained, looking at her, the movie still playing on the TV.

Elle swallowed the nacho she was eating but she just shrugged. Zayn was right, they weren't any of those things. She didn't know though if she wanted them to become one either.

"Maybe we could go on a proper date some time," Zayn mumbled but Elle pretended not to hear him, even though her pulse had quickened and she could feel her heart beating oh-so-fast.

"I'm bored." She admitted, placing on the coffee table the empty bowl she was holding.

"Alright, let's do something else." Zayn suggested and the two of them spent a few minutes in utter silence, trying to come up with something fun.

"Do you have your brother's car keys?" Zayn's face lit up. He was referring to the car Elle and Joseph shared.

"Yes." She replied quietly.

 "Alright, let's go." Zayn got up, literally running to the door. 

“Where are you going?” Elle asked, trying to catch up with Zayn.

“It’s a surprise.” He simply responded, a smile creeping on his face.

“You know I’m driving, right?” She met his eyes before he hit her playfully on the arm.

“At least am I dressed properly?” She demanded, stopping and waiting for Zayn to do the same.

He stopped too and turned to look at her from head to toe. “No,” He shook his head, thoughtful. “Wear something more comfortable for walking and flip flops.” He suggested and Elle raised an eyebrow at him.

“Flip flops aren’t comfortable for walking.” She pointed out and Zayn threw his hands in the air, desperate.

“Just go change.” He sighed and Elle just rolled her eyes before running up the stairs and changing into some black knee-length leggings and Zayn’s batman t-shirt that she had kept the other night.

“You are wearing my t-shirt.” Zayn commented with a smile as the girl made her way downstairs.

“I can go change again.” She suggested, not moving further down the stairs. She suddenly felt very insecure in his clothes.

“No, I like it,” He smiled before placing a quick kiss on her lips. Elle closed her eyes as he did so. She had missed him so much this past week.

“Okay, let’s go!” She said enthusiastically, grabbing her car keys.

• • •

“You’re a really bad driver.” Zayn mumbled before letting out a laugh as he looked at Elle. She was wearing her seatbelt, sitting as close to the wheel as possible and kept checking all of the mirrors.

“You don’t even have a driving license, so you have no saying in this.” She replied, not taking her eyes from the bumpy road that was full of rocks.

“Now turn right.” He said a few minutes later but he jumped from his seat immediately. “ _Elle!_  I said right, not left!” He pouted, making Elle roll her eyes.

“Bear with me.” She made a U-turn and tried to go where Zayn had said.

“We’re here, stop the car!” Zayn said, the excitement clear in his voice. Elle slammed the brakes, the pair moving forwards.

“You’re a terrible driver.” He repeated as he hopped off the car.

“I did that on purpose!” She whined as she closed the door behind her.

“Sure you did.” Zayn smiled as he walked towards her, intertwining their fingers.

“So, where are we?” She asked but he shook his head.

“Not yet.” He mumbled as the two of them walked down the dirt road.

They were completely alone as they walked hand in hand; the only sound, the noises the leaves of the trees near them made as the wind moved them. The grass under their feet was greener than ever and Elle found herself happy. Even if they all did was walk and Zayn didn’t actually take her anywhere specifically, she would be satisfied.

Zayn poked her at some point, motioning towards a downhill pavement. She was struggling, holding onto him as much as she could.

“Why did you tell me to wear flip flops?” She groaned, trying not to step on the weed. He just mumbled a quick “you’ll see”, making her roll her eyes.

Turned out, Zayn had taken Elle to a river. They both took off their shoes -Elle her flip flops and Zayn his black boots- and they kept walking bare feet on the sand.

The river didn’t make a straight line causing small islands to appear here and there. Also, they were many big old tress on them but even more a little further, making the illusion that there was a jungle where the river ended. The water running was clear -you could see the bottom and the fish clearly- and cold -but not so cold you couldn’t get in- and a few stones were laying where the water met the sand.

The sky -since it was getting late, it was already around 7 o’clock in the afternoon- was a shade of dark blue with gray and pinks stripes here and there.

“It’s beautiful,” Elle commented, taking in her surroundings.

“Mmm,” Zayn agreed as they moved to the end where there was water. He took a rock in his hands and threw it in the water, making it jump three times.

Elle picked up a stone too and tried to copy his movements but she failed epically. Zayn laughed, picking up another stone.

He hold it up saying, “It has to be like this. Thin and narrow.” He explained before he turned, facing the water. “Then you have to throw it in, but  _parallel_  to the water.” He continued and then threw the stone, following his little instructions. He made it jump four times.

Elle took a small rock in her hands too, determined this time. She showed it to Zayn who nodded in approvement. She threw it in the water but the stone didn’t jump, instead it made a loud “bloom” noise.

He laughed as she cursed under her breath. He offered her another one but she shook her head saying that she wasn’t going to try again.

“Let’s get in.” He suggested and Elle’s eyes widen.

“You’re not serious,” She replied, shaking her head again.

“Come on! It’s going to be fun!” He took her hand in his as he started running towards the river, Elle protesting.

When they were finally in, he rolled up his sweatpants so he wouldn’t wet them. He then opened his arms while waiting for Elle who was still cringing at the water that only reached her ankles.

“I thought you were more fearless.” Zayn admitted and she sighed before running deeper in the river, near him.

It was nice. It was refreshing and nothing matter for a little while as the two of them played in the water giggling and splashing each other. The only sound was coming from the frogs and the cicadas nearby.

Key phrase: A little while.

• • •

“Put me down!” Elle cried as Zayn was ready to throw her into the water. He had her now over his shoulders, both completely soaked from playing in the water.

Zayn laughed and got out of the river, letting slowly Elle down, on one small island.

“Thank God!” She said, turning to her side and trying to crawl away from him.

Zayn grabbed her ankle and dragged her back to him. When she finally looked at him, he connected their lips, kissing her hard.


	10. ten

It was late at night and since Zayn couldn’t seem to sleep at night anymore, he was in is room, painting new graffiti on his walls. He didn’t have something specifically in mind when he grabbed the spray bottles, but now the random cartoon characters that were in front of him were ready.

Taking off his plastic gloves and mask, he went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of cold water. It was a few minutes after 3AM and suddenly his eyelids felt so heavy; he should probably head to bed soon.

When his phone started ringing with Elle’s ringtone -which was Little Bird by Ed Sheeran-, he ran to his room, worried. It was very late so this couldn’t possibly be good. Zayn prayed that nothing bad had happened to her even thought he was expecting the worst. And the worst was a phonecall from her mother.

“Hello?” He answered the phone when he finally caught his breath.

“Zayn,” Elle cried and tears started falling from his eyes as well.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” He asked her, pacing all around the room.

“I’m – I need to do it. I can’t stop myself.” She mumbled between her sobs.

Zayn took a deep breath. “Don’t do it, Elle.” He said to her but he wasn’t so sure she heard him.

He quickly put his shoes on, managing to balance the phone between his shoulder and his ear, and rushed out of the house.

“I love you.” He told her once he was out of the house. It was raining so it didn’t take him long to get soaking wet.

“Don’t hang up.” She begged and Zayn shook his head even though she couldn’t see him. Elle seemed so happy two days ago when they went to the river. She obviously wasn’t because now she was cutting herself again.

 _There’s so much a simple smile can hide._  He thought to himself as he picked up speed. He had almost started running now.

“I’m not, baby. I’m coming to you. I’m on my way.” He informed her, letting out a sharp breath.

When he got to her house, he used the spare key -they kept it under the door tile- to open the door. He was as quite as possible, trying not to wake up her family even though he was sure they were all out of town. He quickly rushed to the bathroom where he knew he would find her.

As soon as Zayn saw her, more tears started falling from his eyes and he was not sure if it was of the way Elle looked, lying in the floor, her arms around her knees and blood covering almost every surface of her skin or because he really believed that maybe this time she had really stopped.

“Zayn,” She trailed off and stretched her arm to take his hand.

Her arm was full of fresh cuts and little blood drops were falling on the floor tiles. His butterflies, which were made with a sharpie two days ago, had started fading now and Elle had cut her wrist, creating them again. The bloody skin was the outline.

 _No._ This was not the point. The butterfly project was supposed to  _help_  her. She was not supposed to cut to create the butterflies. His first instinct was to take a step back because he was scared and didn’t want to be here but instead, he moved forward.

He kneeled down and took the small, fragile girl in his arms, holding her tight.

“Shhh, it’s going to be alright,” He whispered in her ear, kissing the top of her head. Elle was sobbing now, inhaling deeply every few seconds, trying to catch her breath. “I’m here now,” He tried to comfort her.

“Kiss me,” She managed to say, looking into Zayn’s eyes.

“Elle,” Zayn protested. He couldn’t kiss her right now, even holding her somehow felt wrong.

“Please- I need to know,” She begged, her hands moving to Zayn’s t-shirt.

“I can’t-” Zayn cried. There were a mess.

Zayn wondered how they probably looked to someone who didn’t know who they were. Two young people; the girl covered in blood, crying on the floor and the boy holding her as if that was what kept them both alive.

“Please – Kiss me until I forget how worthless I am.” She said and whipped her eyes. “Show me you love me,”

Zayn looked at her apologetically before pressing his lips against hers.

That’s all it took for both of them to forget where they were and who they were. Right at that moment they only needed each other. The desperately needed the connection, to become one.

The kiss tasted salty from their tears but they didn’t seem to notice as they struggled to remove each other’s clothes, to decrease the number of layers between them.

“I love you.” Zayn mumbled when he pulled away to breathe. “I need to be sure you know that.”

“I do.” Elle replied. She then moaned because Zayn’s mouth was now leaving wet kisses behind her ear and on her neck. He slowly moved all the way down her body.

“I need to feel you,” She said a few seconds later, the desperation clear in her voice.

Zayn was still in his jeans as well as Elle. Helping each other to take those last pieces of clothing off, they threw them to the other side of the bathroom. The room was small and cold but they didn’t seem to notice that either.

“I love you so much,” She cried, her hands moving to his hair and slowly tugging. He groaned at the pleasure but almost immediately took them in his, kissing her wrists.

He started kissing every single one of her cuts while murmuring how beautiful he thought she was, how worthy of all the love in the world and how she deserved to find happiness more than anyone he had ever met.

A few tears fell from her eyes. She didn’t deserve him; he couldn’t be real. Zayn cupped her cheeks and whipped her tears away with his thumb.

“I’m here. I’m never leaving you, alright?” He promised her, looking into her green eyes.

“I know, thank you.” She assured him, sniffing.

They made love again that night and barely spoke to each other. But they didn’t need the words, their eyes spoke for them and their hearts already knew.

•

It was dark. Elle could barely see anything except the brown color of his eyes as he spoke.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you,” Zayn said but the smile creeping on his face told her otherwise.

“No,” She shook her head, trying to increase the distance between them – as much as her bed allowed anyway.

But then she saw it. The small object in his hands as the moonlight coming from the window fell on it.

“No,” She repeated but Zayn was so close to her now. She didn’t know if she could get away. She didn’t think she could. Then, with one sharp quick movement, he run the razor across her bare thighs.

She could almost hear the skin tearing apart and the blood running down her thighs and falling on the white sheets of her bed.

Then everything happened quickly.

He started laughing and she quickly covered her ears and closed her eyes, screaming.

She didn’t know how but when she opened her eyes, she was sitting again on the bathroom floor; still covering her ears and screaming.

“Elle? Are you okay?” Joseph knocked slightly on the door, making her jump. But she didn’t answer him.

“ _Elle!_ ”He demanded using more strength on the door.

“Go away!” Her voice barely came out so she was surprised when he seemed to hear her.

“Alright. But if you need anything, I’m one room away,” He offered before walking back to his room and sleeping again.

After one hour she finally found the guts to look at her thighs. There were no more cuts than they were before she went to bed. It was only a nightmare. Elle washed her face and re-did her hair in her usual ponytail before making her way back to her room.

To her surprise, the room was empty.

•

 **A/N:**  If you self-harm or feel like Elle does don't be scared to  **tweet me/DM me @ohyeahmashton** or just  **send me a message**. I won't judge you -I'm in no place, really- and I will try my best to understand. Just don't do this to yourself because you don't deserve it. No-one does. There are many things to do instead of harming yourself, you will actually be surpised. I hope you know that I love you all so much and I will be there if you ever need me x


	11. eleven

Another two weeks passed by quickly.

It was almost September now and Elle had to go back to college soon, now that the leaves turned orange and the rain fell heavier from the sky.

“What are you doing here?” Elle frowned as she watched her brother make his way into the house, his suitcase following behind him. “You weren’t supposed to come home until Monday! It’s still Saturday!” She pointed out as she brought another bowl of nachos in the living room -for her and Zayn-.

“I don’t know why mum and dad thought it would be a good idea to leave you alone for the weekend. When I learned that they left, I came back to take care of you.” He explained, sitting down on the couch next to her. He was referring to their parents who had left for the weekend and gone on holidays. So had done Joseph but he seemed to be back now.

“You’re an asshole.” She said through gritted teeth as she heard the doorbell ring.

“You’ll thank me later,” He shouted and the chuckled from the living room. Elle continued making her way to open the door to her boyfriend, Zayn.

Zayn had asked her to become his girlfriend one week ago, just before he left for holidays with his parents. Elle didn’t even hesitate before saying “yes” and kissing him passionately.

She couldn’t deny that she was already in love with him. Only the fact that he had saved her life even though he didn’t know about her, was enough. Not to mention the last three months when he constantly came to her house every time she needed him and also helped her forget about how bad things were home. He had also ignited her passion again for dancing; something she was more than grateful for.

“Hi,” She smiled when she saw him. He was wearing one simple plaid shirt and black tight jeans along with some black boots.

“Hello,” He leaned in and kissed her, his hands immediately going to her hips.

“How was your holidays?” She asked, taking his hand and leading him to the living room.

“Depressing,” He sighed. “It was our first family holidays without Vic.” He explained looking anywhere but in her eyes. His head shoot up though when he heard the usual sound of a photo being taken.

“Sorry,” She apologized and he knew it wasn’t for the photo. She slowly placed the camera back on the coffee table.

“Why are you taking photos of me?” Zayn questioned and the girl simply shrugged.

“I want to make a photo album.” She spoke, quietly.

“Of us?” He smiled and the girl nodded, her cheeks getting red.

“Alight, then,” He replied, taking the camera in his hands and snapping one quick photo of Elle.

“Let’s take one together,” She suggested, taking the camera from him.

They tried for several minutes until they finally gave up, calling Joseph to help them.

•

“Smile,” He said, unamused, before taking the photo. He rolled his eyes at the happy couple before giving the camera back to Elle and walking upstairs.

It was a beautiful photo. Both of them looked very happy. Elle looked straight in the camera, looking absolutely gorgeous with her long blonde hair which fell on her shoulders and back, and the orange top she was wearing which complimented her big green eyes. Zayn, on the other hand, was looking at Elle. When the photo was taken his messy hair still managed to look incredible and the fact that he hadn’t shaved in a few days, made him even hotter.

“I love you.” He whispered, knowing she had heard him.

“I love you too.” She said before meeting his eyes. “It’s like you’re my angel or something. You came and fixed me.” She admitted, looking at her feet, embarrassed.

“Not really,” He shook his head.

“But yeah. You came, picked up all of my pieces and then you held me in your arms so tight, you put them all together.” She explained, smiling. “So, you’re my angel.”

“And you’re my…” He trailed off, trying to think of something. “My grace!” He laughed for coming up with that, using her middle name.

“Oh God,” She rolled her eyes before kissing him.

They stayed at the couch making out for quite a while before Zayn asked Elle to jump a little and then carried her to the bedroom. They continued kissing as they made their way upstairs.

"Stop!" Elle whined, clutching to Zayn. "We're gonna fall.."

"Haven't we already?" Zayn smiled and continued to lead them up the stairs, carefully. 

Zayn finally reached the bedroom and laid her down on the bed, climbing on top of her. He leaned down and connected their lips, Elle's hands fisting and tangling through his hair. Zayn slipped his bottom tongue across her lips and Elle allowed him too, his tongue and her tongue wrestling for dominance. 

Zayn's tongue won of course, allowing him to distract Elle for the most part and slowly start to undress her. First off came her shirt; trailing kisses down her neck and to the valley of her breasts. Elle's moans and whimpers were quietly, but pleasurable for the both of them. Zayn kissed back up to her lips, leaving behind love bites in unseen places. His hands moved down to Elle's pants and he slowly, teasingly took them off her. Elle whined into his mouth, for some reason she was eager; she had never been like this. Zayn chuckled at her eagerness and helped her out of her pants, his fingers teasing the lining of her pink panties. 

"Zayn," Elle whined, looking at him with eyes full of lust. 

Zayn chuckled as Elle stripped him quickly of his clothes, leaving him in his black boxers only. She could see his excitement right through the thin material.

A deep blush rose on her cheeks and Zayn chuckled, laying her back down and pressing his lips to hers once more. Zayn's long arms reached behind them and unclasped her bra, her breasts falling free as Zayn licked his lips. 

"You're so beautiful, Elle." He looked down at her, kissing the blush that had appeared on her cheeks. "You deserve the world. You don't deserve to be destroying yourself, baby." He said softly and kissed down Elle's arms, kissing every one of her scars, including the fresh cuts on her legs. 

"Zayn?" She whispered, looking up at him. 

"Yes, my grace?" He smiled, looking back at her.

"I love you." 

"I love you too," Zayn smiled and kissed her once more gently, down to her breasts as he toyed with her panties. He finally got them off, dealing with his own boxers. Elle continued to kiss Zayn as his fingers rubbed her clit in small circles, an occasional moan escaping through the kiss. Elle pulled away from the kiss and met eyes with a confused Zayn. 

"Zayn?" She whispered, yet again. 

Zayn looked at her, his fingers leaving her clit, afraid he had done something wrong. 

"No," she said quietly, "make love to me." 

Zayn smiled and nodded, reaching down in his pants and pulling a condom out of his wallet. With the assistance of Elle, he got it on and laid her back down, looking at her. She nodded and smiled as he leaned down, kissing her softly. As they kissed, Zayn slowly slid himself into her, Elle whimpering slightly as it had been a bit, but it only took a few seconds to have her moaning his name. 

Zayn smirked and sped up a bit, sucking on Elle's neck, then kissing back up to her lips. 

"Can I try something?" He looked at Elle as he thrust into her at a slow pace. 

Elle nodded and Zayn chuckled, dipping his head down and sucking on her right nipple, his fingers teasing the left. She moaned his name numbers of times, the amount of pleasure amazing and only one person could give it to her; Zayn. After a few minutes he switched and did the opposite nipple, Elle's moans and whimpers growing. He chuckled and kissed up her neck, to her lips and kissed her, their tongues dancing with each other. 

Zayn's hand slipped down and rubbed her clit slowly, his thrusts picking up quite a bit. Elle whimpered into the kiss, signaling she was close, as was he. Zayn continued to tease her clit and moaned out in pleasure as she hit her orgasm around him, the feeling of her sending him over the edge as he spilt his loads into the condom. Zayn and Elle both needed to catch their breath, but they didn't care. What they really needed was each other. Elle smiled as did Zayn, their lips connecting once again. They shared a long, loving kiss before Zayn pulled away, pulling himself out of her and disposing of the condom. He laid back down with her, pulling her close to him and leaving kisses in her hair. 

"Hey Elle?" Zayn said quietly as the girl pulled the covers over them. 

"Yes?" She replied, turning her head to meet his eyes. 

"I love you." He smiled, pecking her lips. 

"I love you too." She replied, kissing him softly before pulling away, burying her face in his chest. 

Her eyes were closed, breathing soft. Zayn's lips were parted as small snores found their way through them. Their legs were tangled and his arms her around his grace, just like angel wings, protecting her from any harm there was to come. 

• • •

A few nights after this, the lights in Elle’s room switched on. She didn’t even try to see who it was; she only covered her face with a pillow.

“Get up.” Her mother demanded, tears in her eyes.

“What?” Elle managed to sit up on her bed, looking at her. She could barely keep her eyes open; she was too tired.

“Pack your bags, you’re leaving.” She explained, moving towards her closet and opening it. She started throwing clothes on Elle’s bed.

 •

 **A/N:**  This chapter is dedicated to  **tomlinsonchisel** (on Wattpad)because she actually wrote alone the whole smut thing, go follow her :) ****


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // This may be confusing but keep reading, there are flashbacks. Also listen to Autumn Leaves while reading this //

Elle’s eyes were closed and Zayn knew he was going to lose her this time. Tears started falling from his eyes and he took her in his arms like he had done so many times in the past three months.

“You’re here,” She smiled. It didn’t matter how he had gotten in her locked room or how he got here on time. All that mattered was that he was there; she didn’t care about anything else. Elle tried so hard to open her eyes but her eyelids felt so heavy.

“I’ve always been here.” Zayn told her and Elle kind of felt guilty for leaving him on his own; for leaving him behind. But she had to do this or else maybe she wouldn’t see him again.

Her phone, which was on her bed. Was playing a song for as long as Zayn had been here but only now he noticed. He knew it; he had heard it before but he couldn’t figure out which song it was.

“Sing to me,” She suggested, holding his arm tighter. He was about to protest that this was not the right time to be singing but he didn’t once he realized that this was probably her last wish.

Another song came on and he recognized it from when Elle had made him listen to Ed Sheeran’s debut album. He inhaled deeply before opening his mouth and closing it again because the girl felt so cold now against him and she looked so much paler than she usually did. Even the redness of her cheeks had disappeared now from her face.

But she was still breathing; her chest was still going up and down.

“Please,” She said, weakly.

“Oh,  _Elle_ ,” Zayn cried as he buried his face into the girl’s hair.

“It’s over now.” Elle comforted him, squeezing slightly his hand. Zayn continued crying as the song changed once more. He acknowledged it as her favorite; it was  _Autumn Leaves_.

“Another day, another life passes by just like mine, it’s not complicated,” He tried to sing but the words came out muffled and as a whisper.

Elle could feel her head pounding now and she covered her ears in an attempt to stop it. But it wasn’t her head; it was the door. Someone was pounding on the door, calling Elle’s name over and over.

Finally the door opened to reveal Joseph. “ _Elle!_ ” He shouted her name as soon as he saw her, running towards her.

He kneeled next to her, taking her in his arms.

“God, dammit.” He cursed under his breath. “Mum! Call an ambulance!” He screamed, turning to face the door. He slapped her –not using much strength of course- and she managed to open her eyes.

“Thank God, you’re alive!” He said, relieved and hugged her tighter. “Mum! Hurry up! She’s losing so much blood!” He screamed once more time and then looked at Elle’s bloody wrists.

_“Sit down.” Her mother said in a serious tone after Elle’s bags were waiting for her next to the door. Her father was already in the living room, sitting opposite of her on the couch. He hadn’t spoken yet and Elle was starting to get concerned._

_When she finally sat down as her mother ordered, she started, “Elle,” Her hands were resting on her knees and she picked up her long dress, playing a little with the fabric._

_It was around 2AM now and Elle couldn’t possibly imagine what was so important that they had to wake her up, in the middle of the night. And where were they going anyway?_

_“I think it would be best of you if you seek professional help.” She mumbled and Elle kept looking at her confused._

_“What about Dr. Stevens?” She asked and both her parents exchanged a worried look._

Joseph slightly stood up before taking Elle’s phone in his hands and trying to pause the music. But he couldn’t. His hands were covered in blood and he was shaking too much. He tried again. And again. But he couldn’t press the  _fucking_ button so he threw it against the wall, letting out a scream that turned into a cry.

The music finally stopped.

“Zayn…” Elle breathed out. Zayn was up, just standing in the corner, behind the door. Elle looked at her brother then back at him.

Zayn didn’t say a word. He was just looking at her with no emotion in his eyes and a smile creeping on his face.

_“Professional help as in rehab.” Her father explained and Elle got up, tears threating to fall from her eyes._

_“Why? I’ve been getting better! Zayn’s been helping me!” Another exchange of looks. Her mother got up and tried to get near her; she was sobbing now and going back and forth in the living room._

_“Elle,” Her mother said her name as she wrapped her arms around the girl._

_No._

_“Elle, sweetheart,” She repeated, kissing the top of her head._

_She knew what was coming. No._

_Elle sank to her knees, crying. She covered her ears and screamed but she still heard her._

_No._

_“He isn’t real.” She said._

_No, no, no, no._

_Elle screamed one more time before running up to her room. She locked the door behind her; she had to see him. To see his chocolate-honey colored eyes one more time._

“Forget about Zayn!” Joseph shouted at his sister, desperately. He was the reason she was dying now. “Come back Elle! I need you.” He pleaded, squeezing the almost dead body of his sister.

She didn’t understand. He  _was_  real. He had saved her life and had talked to her. They had kissed and they had made love. How couldn’t any of this be real? How could all of this just be in her mind?

He  _was_  real. Using all of the strength she had left, she open her eyes again.  Joseph looked down at her; his eyes were filled with tears as he told her, “They’re coming! You’re going to be alright,” He kissed the top of her head. She knew he was lying but she didn’t know if it was to comfort her or himself. She tried to look around one last time to see Zayn; he wasn’t there anymore.

Then she realized. She could finally see everything clearly.

_Another mind, another soul, another body to grow old, it's not complicated_

She could see a girl entering an abandoned house and looking at the dusty furniture in silence. She was completely alone but that didn’t stop her from laughing as she looked next to her. But no-one was there.

_Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you? Float down, like autumn leaves_

Elle could hear the sirens from the ambulance that was coming to her house; for her, she guessed.

She could see a girl, dancing to the music, alone in her room. She had a big smile on her face before almost shouting one word over and over again, before hugging the air. “ _Yes._ ”

_And hush now, close your eyes before the sleep. And you're miles away and yesterday you were here with me_

Some people hurried into the room and Joseph finally let go of the fragile girl that was bleeding so much from her wrists. They put her on a stretcher.

A girl was talking to herself in the living room. She must have been talking to herself because there was no-one there in the room with her. She laughed as she picked up a nacho and threw it in her mouth.

_Oh how I miss you. And I miss you and I wish you'd stay… Do you ever wonder if the stars shine out for you? Float down like autumn leaves, and hush now, close your eyes before the sleep_

She was inside the ambulance now and they were probably taking her to the hospital. She could hear the sirens at it moved and made its way through the empty roads.

But there was no use. She could finally understand everything.

That girl was her, only now she could see.

_Elle let go._

• • •

Joseph didn’t want to be there. He would rather be anywhere else but  _there_. Maybe even have the Earth swallow him whole; he would prefer it.

He sighed, holding tight his umbrella as he walked away. He found a bench in the church’s cemetery -a few feet away- and sat down. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes and tried to think of what Elle would have wanted him to do, if she was still here.

“Don’t cry for me, don’t shed a single tear,” He could hear her voice so clearly and he turned his head, looking around and making sure she wasn’t there. He chuckled, too late for that.

“I’m sorry about your loss.” He heard a girl’s voice behind him and he immediately turned to face her; still holding close his umbrella so he wouldn’t get wet from the rain.

It was Dani. Elle’s closest friend.

“I’m sorry too,” He mumbled, looking in front of him. A few meters away they were putting his sister a few feet under the ground. They were being so careful; not to drop the expensive coffin. As if it mattered now.

“I wish I was more there for her this summer.” Dani laughed bitterly, playing with the end of her black dress.

“It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known.” He said, shrugging.

“I can’t believe it.” Dani shook her head, a few minutes later.

Elle had been her friend for almost as long as she could remember. They were always in the same classes and Elle was always in the first row, paying attention. Dani would always tease her for that.

When she started hurting herself, Dani stopped hanging out with the blonde girl. She was so confused as to why she would do  _that_ , instead of maybe talking to her about her problems. You couldn’t blame her.

After a few years, the red colored hair girl, with the dark brown eyes, talked to Elle and they cried all night. That night, they promised to never leave each other again. Elle didn’t keep her promise though.

“Me too. But maybe it’s better this way,” Joseph admitted, loosening his tie.

“How can you say this? She was your  _sister_!” Dani almost shouted, not believing the boy. He was her brother; he was supposed to be saying that it would rather be him, laying lifeless in that coffin, instead of her. But he was saying that maybe it was better this way.

“How many times did you see her this summer?” He demanded, looking into her eyes. She looked away.

“Not many. I saw her and her boyfriend a month or so ago. She seemed so happy.” She couldn’t understand how she could take her own life away.

“Zayn?” Josh asked, ready to laugh at her face.

“Yeah, I think that was his name.” She spoke simply.

“Was he with her?”

“No, he was in the bathroom- Why does it matter?”

 _Oh, poor girl._  Joseph faked a laugh before pulling something out of his pocket.

“A few days ago,” He started, “I walked into her room and found her sitting on the floor; dozens of photographs around her.” He wasn’t looking at her anymore, he looked straight ahead, zooned out. “She was making a collage of photographs of her and Zayn.” He explained and Dani smiled. “This,” He looked down at the photograph he was holding and gave to her. “Was one of them.”

Dani held the picture carefully; as if it would disappear if she wasn’t so gentle. She looked at it and a tear fell from her eyes.

It was Elle smiling; her long blonde hair was falling on her shoulders and the orange top she was wearing made her big green eyes, look even bigger.

Dani sniffed, tears falling from her eyes. She tried to wipe them using her dress’s sleeve. She then slightly elbowed Joseph so he would take back the picture.

“Did Zayn take this?” She asked.

“No, I did. That’s what I’m saying.” He folded the picture and put it back in the inside pocket of his coat. “He’s next to her.”

“But she was alone in the picture.” She mumbled, confused. Then it hit her.

No. It couldn’t be true.

“Zayn doesn’t exist. He never did.” Josh spoke blankly and Dani simply broke down.

•

“She thought that Zayn was her wingless angel, her savior but she didn’t know that in reality, Zayn was her demon. He was a living representation of her mental disorders.” He explained a few minutes later, after Dani had stopped crying.

“She didn’t think much,” He shrugged. “She didn’t put up a fight, she just… gave herself to him.” He tried to understand but he couldn’t. “And the price was her life.” He added, a few seconds afterwards.

“You know,” He wetted his lips, collecting his thoughts. “He used to say that she was his  _grace_ ; his power. And if you think about it, she was the one who gave him power, by cutting and by getting worse.” Dani didn’t know what to say so she simply stayed quite.

“I just wish we had helped her earlier.” He admitted as the two of them, made their way to her coffin.

“But at least she is happy now. Probably she’s with Zayn up there,” She smiled.

 “Happy,” Joseph repeated, leaving the photograph, slowly on her coffin.


	13. epilogue

"Have you heard? They're knocking it down next week." Dani said as she dried the dish she was holding with a light blue towel.

Joseph moved from the chair he was sitting and stood next to his girlfriend of four months, leaning on the kitchen counter. He didn't need to ask which building she meant. He knew it was that abandoned house, Elle used to go to, a year ago.

After his little sister's death, his life turned into a huge mess he wasn't sure he could fix. Everyone was devastated by the loss; both his parents and him. They were left confused as to why she would do such a horrible thing and angry at her for leaving them and not thinking of the consequences. They did know very well that Elle wasn't alright but they had no idea she was capable of taking her own life away.

At first, everyone in the house was quite; too quite. They were just wandering inside, like ghosts, from room to room. Always avoiding though, at every cost, talking about it or dealing with the way they felt inside. They only had questions but they were already too hurt to seek for the answers to them.

After a month, when it had finally sunk in that Elle was dead and never coming back, the fights started. The hurt, the bottled-up anger, the confusion were finally all out as every single member of the now broken family was lashing out on the others. His mother, Miranda, blamed his father for not being a good role model while her husband. Will, thought that Joseph was the reason why, since the two siblings never really had the best relationship. The fights only lasted a couple of weeks though, because after a little while, his parents realised that they couldn't go on like this any longer, which lead to nothing else but a divorce. 

Miranda stayed at their house of fifteen years, not wanting to leave the only place that reminded her of her daughter who she missed terribly. Will, on the other hand, packed his bags and left for God knows where; Joseph honestly had no idea. He didn't want to hear from his abusive father ever again, so keeping in touch with him during the last few months, wasn't something he did.

Dani came much later into his life. After their awkward, sad conversation at Elle's funeral, they saw each other again, only eight months later. Elle was the reason once again, since that time they met on their way at the cemetery, both going there to put flowers on Elle's grave.

Long story short, their friendship quickly transformed into a romantic relationship. At first, he thought that it would probably go nowhere since Dani reminded him a lot of his dead sister; she was her best friend anyway. Soon though, he accepted that Elle was part of his past so, here they were now, a year later, living together in a small apartment in the city of London.

 _It's been a year. Time flies._  Joseph thought.

"Did you hear me?" Dani asked softly, resting her hand on his shoulder. Joseph didn't speak; just nodded. He then took her hands in his and placed a small kiss on it.

"I thought you would like to know." She explained and then focused back on her work.

"Thank you." He finally mumbled.

• • •

Joseph had always wanted to go to that dirty old house since his sister passed away. He was scared though, that he would see something that would scar him for the rest of his life. He always made plans and promised that he would finally go but the truth was, he never found the courage.

Now though, he had to go because they were knocking it down next week and he wouldn't find another chance.

So, the next morning, around 6AM, after waking up from his usual nightmare -his sister laying lifeless while he was holding her-, Joseph put a jacket on and walked to the other side of the town, to the abandoned house.

He was standing right in front of it now, too scared to move. He was frozen in that position. The house's garden was full of weeds and fallen leaves from the big old tress. The fence's red color had now faded and the door was broken.

The young male took a deep breath before moving forward. He pushed the door; his hands now dirty from the rusty metal. With slow and careful steps, he made his way to the front door. It was white and wooden but his hands were now shaking too much and he couldn't turn the rusty knob. When he finally did, it opened with a weird creepy noise.

Making his way inside –to what seemed was the living room- he tried to imagine his little sister in that place. What could she possibly be doing every time she came here?

He wandered a little around the room, paying too much attention where he was stepping. He was sure there were rats there, probably even snakes, and he definitely didn't want to step accidentally on any. The house on the inside was just as he imagined. The furniture were covered in dust, some even covered in old, white sheets. He didn't remember who lived in this house two years ago, before they had left, but no-one had probably come here since his sister died.

The color on the walls had slightly faded -it was a light yellow now- and the few paintings that were hanging on the walls, added to the creepiness of it all. Joseph realized he had been in the living room this whole time so he decided to check some other rooms.

As much as he didn't want to find anything that would show that Elle had been there, he couldn't stop searching. The first door he opened, lead to the bathroom so he closed it again, indifferent.

The second door he opened, lead to a bedroom. He closed the door behind him and cursed under his breath after stepping on a dry leave and almost screaming in fear. The room was painted a light blue -he guessed from the faded blue color on the walls- and a big king bed was in the center of the room. The covers were a faded beige and Joseph found himself wondering if Elle had ever lay on that bed. He hoped not. There were also a couple nightstands on each side of the bed, as well as a tall closet in front of it. Joseph wanted to move forward and maybe open them but he couldn't get his feet to listen.

Instead, he stepped back and entered another room. The next door lead to an empty room but Joseph walked in anyway because something seemed weird about it; he couldn't tell what was that exactly though. He closed the door behind him and walked deeper into the room.

And then he saw it.

His knees went weak and his head was spinning.  _No,_  it couldn't be. He was probably hallucinating too, there was no other explanation. He pinched himself, closed his eyes and then counted slowly to ten. It was still there when he opened them.

His sister.

Well, a graffiti of his sister. It was on the wall and black wings were coming from her back. She was looking down, probably smiling at the ground, -like she always did-, her cheeks red. She was wearing a simple black dress. It was loose and reached her mid-thighs while the straps were thin. It wasn't a full portrait of hers though, it only reached her knees.

Looking around the room, he tried to find a logical explanation for it but he couldn't. He then noticed that all the other walls were painted white and that there was no other graffiti on them.

He moved closer, paying attention to all the little details. How could it be real? Elle couldn't draw to save her life and Zayn didn't simply exist... Right?

Joseph sat down and buried his face in his hands. Tears were threating to fall from his eyes but he didn't let them. When he finally looked, he noticed something he hadn't before. On the bottom of the right corner, there was the signature of the painter. We struggled a little but then he finally read the two letters.

  _Z. M._

• • •

 **A/N:** So, it's finally over! Thank you all who have been reading, I love you too much, okay? I've been writing this story since February and I'm so happy it's finally over! I love the epilogue because it lets  _you_  decided what has happened. Did Zayn really exist? Did someone with the name draw this girl and when Elle finally saw it, based her life on it? Was Zayn really an angel? Did Joseph went crazy too? It's totally up to you to decide :) Also, I pretty much wrote this story because I've gotten tired of reading the same story over and over again, where one of the boys finally saves the girl (or the other way round). This doesn't always happen. Again, thank you so much! I really hope you like it.


	14. deleted scene

Wingless has now over 300,000 reads! Wow! This is unbelievable. Thank you all so much for reading my Zayn story, for voting and for leaving all these wonderful/funny comments and incredible theories. It means the world to me and it makes me super happy to know that people actually like this book! Again, thank you all so much! I love you!

To celebrate this, I'll be posting 2 deleted parts and 1 deleted scene that didn't make it to the final version of Wingless when I was editing it. I wrote these parts while writing the story last year so they are not things I just came up with. The deleted scenes/parts will be posted this week, one on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

Here's one of the deleted scenes that I chose not to include in the first version of this fan-fiction for the reason that I didn't want to offend anyone's personal beliefs. It's a short conversation Zayn and Elle had about God in **chapter 6** after he picked her up from the dancing studio.

 _Included scene_ / Deleted scene

•

_"And you still believe that you're not good enough?" Zayn shook his head, slightly._

_"Yeah," She bit the inside of her cheek. "Even when I came first, I kind of felt that it was because they felt bad for me for being that awful." She confessed, looking down at her shoes._

_"Oh, Elle," He looked at her and there was so much pain in his eyes, she had to look away._

 

"Do you believe in God?" Zayn asked and the sudden change of topic took Elle by surprise.

The truth was that she didn't believe in God despite the fact that she was a member in a family of Christians.

During the first twelve years of her life, she used to go to church every Sunday and pray. After a while though, she simply refused to believe that there was supposed to be someone out there looking out for her. After she was constantly being physically abused by her older brother and emotionally abused by both her parents, she just  _couldn't_  accept it.

"No," She simply replied. "Do you?"

"Yes," He looked down, kicking a small stone away with his foot. "But there's so much pain in this world, you know what I mean? How could any God see all those people die and suffer every single day and not do anything to help them?" He paused and Elle turned to look at him. She carefully studied his face but she couldn't decide how he was feeling based on his expression. 

Zayn pressed his lips together but then continued, "Yes, of course God can't help everyone and of course some people are luckier than others but it's still so unfair. God isn't supposed to be unfair."

Elle didn't know if he expected a response to that so she stayed quiet.

_"I'm sorry." She responded after a few seconds of silence._

_"No, don't be. It's not your fault." Zayn informed her before changing the topic again._


	15. deleted part #1

To celebrate Wingless reaching 300,000 reads on Wattpad I'll be posting 2 deleted parts and 1 deleted scene, as you may already know, that didn't make it to the final version of Wingless when I was editing it. I wrote these parts while writing the story last year so they are not things I just came up with.

Here's the first deleted part that I chose not to include in the first version of this fan-fiction for the reason that I thought Elle and Zayn could not have such a great friendship after only knowing each other for a week. It felt too rushed and Elle seemed so out of character. This was supposed to be the first time they were seeing each other again after meeting at the park for the first time.

•

"Good morning!" Elle said cheerfully while making her way into the kitchen.

"Good morning," Her dad greeted her quickly and then focused back on making an omelet for himself.

Walking to the fridge, she grabbed a bottle of milk and then sat on the kitchen table. She didn't bother getting herself a glass for the milk since the bottle was already almost empty.

"Why are you up early?" He asked, curious after he had poured the egg mixture in the pan.

"I'm going out," She smiled and then took a sip of milk.

"That's something new," He moved his spatula around the pan, making sure the egg mixture had spread evenly.  "With Zayn?"

She nodded in response but then she remembered that he couldn't see her so she shyly said "yes".

"I need to meet this guy," Her father, Will, said as he placed the omelet on a plate.

"I only met him last week, plus, he's my friend," She felt the need to let her overprotective father know.

"Where did you meet him anyway?" He questioned, finally sitting on the table next to Elle to have breakfast.

"We met at the park," She responded and she wasn't truly lying. What else could she tell him? That she wanted to kill herself and after texting him accidentally he managed to save her life? Hell to the no. He had no idea about her self-harm addiction and her suicidal thoughts and she wasn't planning on changing that. Not yet, not ever.

Will just nodded, taking her response into consideration while slowly chewing some of his omelet. She didn't speak again, just put away the empty now bottle and then headed to the door.

"Bye dad, see you later,"

"Bye sweetheart! Be careful," Elle rolled her eyes and then got out of the house, her bag and jacket in her hands.

Zayn had suggested they went out this morning, insisting that he had something very interesting to show her.

He was already outside the house, leaning against the wall. "Hey," He greeted her with a smile.

"Morning," She smiled as well. "Why didn't you ring the doorbell? Have you been waiting outside for long?" Elle asked, confused.

"It's alright, I just got here," He explained and Elle nodded.

"So, what are we doing today?" She questioned, trying not to look as excited as she was inside.

"You'll see; it's a surprise,"

"Give me a hint please?" She begged for more information and Zayn let out a small laugh telling her that it was animal-related.

"You aren't taking me to the zoo, right?" As much as Elle loved animals she hated zoos. She believed that wild animals didn't belong in zoos, that they shouldn't be in captivity just so people can have a great time observing them. She knew that some of these animals were saved by them but she still felt awful looking at the beautiful creatures in their cages.

"No... Uhm, did you take your ID with you?" They had started walking, heading to the center of the city.

"Yes, it's always in my bag. You're scaring me now," She admitted, pulling all her hair at the side.

"Don't be scared,"

"Alright," She let out a long breath. "What's the point of this little trip anyway?"

"Just the two of us having fun." He explained, and then took Elle's hand to stop her from walking further away since they had reached a bus stop. They were taking the bus to get  _there_ , wherever that was, she guessed.

"Is this a promise?" She smiled, looking into his eyes.

"Of course," He replied, breaking into a grin.

•

"We're here." Zayn announced with pride, looking up at the huge building in front of them before turning to face the girl next to him to see her reaction.

After they had taken the bus for around thirty minutes, they got off and walked for almost another ten minutes to get here.

Elle seemed very confused. "A museum?" She raised her eyebrow at him.

"Not just any museum," Zayn got all defensive, "It's a natural history one. These are a lot of fun," He added and Elle could see that all his confidence had now disappeared and that he looked scared.

"Tell me you like museums," He begged her after she stayed silent for a few seconds. "I don't have a plan B."

"I absolutely hate them, I mean how could anyone enjoy looking at dead animals-" Elle suddenly paused and then looked at Zayn's horrified expression before bursting into laughter.

"I'm kidding! You should have seen your face!" She told him once she had stopped laughing. "Let's go," She smiled before running towards the huge entrance without turning back to wait for him.


	16. deleted part #2

To celebrate Wingless reaching 300,000 reads on Wattpad I've been posting deleted parts and deleted scenes, as you may already know, that didn't make it to the final version of Wingless when I was editing it. I wrote these parts while writing the story last year so they are not things I just came up with.

Here's the second deleted part that I chose not to include in the first version of this fan-fiction. I had many ideas for parts of Elle with Dr. Stevens that I ended up not adding to Wingless 'cause I didn't want to make the story long or boring. Enjoy this deleted part; I will have a long author's note at the end, to explain what happened during it.

•

"Since when do you get out of bed before noon?" Elle's mother asked when her daughter entered the kitchen.

Miranda was sitting on the table, a mug of coffee in her hands and lots of papers in front of her, spread all over their table.

"I got a call from Dr. Stevens this morning. He told me that I need to visit him as soon as possible," Elle explained while searching in the pantries and fridge for something to have for breakfast. She didn't find anything interesting enough so she decided to make herself some orange juice.

"Oh, so he called?" She mumbled quietly, like she was talking to herself while staring blankly.

Elle didn't pay much attention to her mother's weird behavior since she was more nervous about her upcoming meeting with her therapist. She had this weird feeling inside that the news he was about to tell her wouldn't be good.

She took a deep breath before continuing collecting oranges from the fruit basket. It was already a few minutes before 10AM and Zayn would be here very soon to pick her up and take her to Dr. Stevens' office.

"What happened to your wrist?" Her mother asked, worried, looking up from her papers to Elle's hand.

Elle looked down to her hand, not having a single clue what Miranda was talking about.

She gasped when she saw a huge bruise near her right wrist. She carefully put down on the counter the orange she was holding with her left hand and then, ran her fingers over the purple and blue mark. She cringed at the pain when she added pressure.

Taking a minute, she tried to remember what she did in the last ten hours that could have probably caused that bruise. Nothing came to her mind since she spent the whole day yesterday, in bed, watching TV series and texting Zayn.

"I don't know," She replied, honestly.

"Are you sure?" Her mother insisted and Elle looked at her confused. Did she have something in mind?

"Maybe I accidentally hurt myself while sleeping," She finally shrugged. Miranda opened her mouth to say something but last minute decided against it and closed it again.

When Elle heard the doorbell, she was already running down the hall.

•

"Good morning,"

"Hey," Zayn said and softly kissed Elle's lips. When they both pulled back, he took her hand in his and then started walking to the direction of Dr. Stevens' office.

Even though Elle was still quite nervous about her talk with her doctor, right now, she was trying to focus on the happiness this small gesture by Zayn brought her. It was the small things like this, like taking her hand in his, that made her believe that Zayn cared about her and loved her, not the hundred 'I love you's or the song dedications. That didn't mean though that she didn't appreciate those too.

With a huge smile on her face, she looked down at their intertwined hands only to notice a similar to hers bruise on Zayn's wrist as well.

"How did you get this?" She questioned, bringing their hands closer to her face and studying carefully Zayn's bruise.

"I hurt it while working out, last night. No big deal," He spoke and Elle nodded before letting their hands fall to their sides again.

"Just be careful,"

Zayn promised her that he would and then switched the topic to Ed Sheeran's new album, saying to Elle his opinions and sharing his thoughts on each song.

•

Elle gently knocked on Dr. Stevens' door.

"Come in," She heard him sigh before making her way into his office.

Closing the door behind her, she gasped when she looked around the room. Or at least what was left of it.

The books that Dr. Stevens usually had organized by the name of the author at the huge bookcase by the door, where now all on the floor; tiny pieces of paper all over the room.

The photo frames, which were usually on the table by his armchair where he was sitting while talking and helping Elle, were now broken, glass all around them.

"What happened here?" She asked, shocked and then she helped her therapist by picking up one of the pillows and putting it back on the armchair, where it belonged.

"Uhm," He hesitated. "Somebody broke in last night," He answered, avoiding her eyes. He then, added another ripped book in the black trash bag he had in his hands.

Dr. Stevens was around his 50s but he looked so much younger, despite his now turning white beard. He had dark black hair and blue/grey eyes that were still magnetizing behind the glasses he never took off. He was always dressed in a simple pair of dark blue jeans and a shirt that was either grey or white and always greeted Elle with a smile... not today though.

"That's awful, I'm so sorry," She said, honestly, helping him throw away the books.

"What happened last night is the reason I called." He took a deep breath. "I can't see you anymore; until I take care of this at least and get back on my feet." He explained waving his hands around and Elle nodded, saying that she completely understood.

"Here's a list I made for you," The man handed her a piece of paper. "with a few doctors in this area whom I personally know and think are capable of helping you." He added and then ran his hand through his hair. "Check it out and give them a call, alright?"

"Of course, I will. Thank you so much," She responded and folded the paper before putting it in the back pocket of her jeans.

The truth was that she was sad and disappointed that she had to go find another therapist. It had taken her a long time to get comfortable around him and trust him and then, when she finally did and started getting better, this happened.

She didn't want to make her family or Zayn sad though so she promised to herself that she would check out the list and find a new therapist very soon.

"I need to go back to cleaning now," He smiled, softly and Elle realized it was his way of saying she needed to leave.

"I'll get going then. Again, I'm so sorry," She said to him, one last time before heading to the exit.

"If you have any questions, just give me a call or send me an email. I'm here for you," He encouraged her, sad to finally say goodbye to her.

"Alright, Dr. Stevens," She assured him and closed the door behind her.

She couldn't put her finger on it but something was off about this whole thing.

• • •

 **A/N** : This part takes place the morning before her mother starts making Elle's bags and telling her she needs to go to a clinic aka the morning before she kills herself.

As I said before, I had a lot of ideas for parts with Dr. Stevens which I deleted at the end. This, is one of them. During it, Elle gets a call from Dr. Stevens who sounds worried and tells her he needs to meet her. Then, when she gets there she sees his office trashed. Dr. Stevens though, lies about who made this mess since it was Elle who actually broke in the previous night. She ruined everything and also warned Dr. Stevens to call her the next morning and tell her that he won't be able to be her therapist anymore. Elle though doesn't remember any of it during the morning so she gets surprised/sad when he talks to her and announces the news.

About the bruise she has, she gets it while breaking into her therapist's office. She also notices it on Zayn, since Zayn is a representation of her demons/of the bad side of Elle.

As for her mother, she knows the truth since Dr. Stevens calls her before talking to Elle and advices her that at this point, it would be better for Elle to go to a psychiatric clinic.

If you have any more questions, you can leave a comment below and I will reply, trying my best to explain everything! Again, thank you all so much for reading! You make me so happy.


End file.
